Given my ambivalent relationship with definitions of manhood handed to me it was a bit awkward to suddenly discover that I really do have a penis, and downright humiliating when I realized how hard it was to keep my hands off of the damn thing. I could already see that twisted wreckage of modern manhood was my inescapable birthright. I wanted out. Power loomed over me, dangerous, somber, and soaked in unwanted obligation. It took over my very flesh; strength and lust came unexpected, unbidden, and unwelcome. Would that I had known there was no way around this blighted land – only through. 

Magic – that a few scraps of metal and rubber became more of an organ than a tool. The agent of action became the path of awareness. As I write I am written. As I ride I am ridden. Pain, sweat, fear, blood, surprise, and delight flowed back up through the wheels, creaky fame, and sweaty bars to be written back upon me. Strength scribbled randomly across the land was repaid a thousand fold in joy, absurd ecstasy and profound belonging. 

Eventually, there was no escape from, only escape into. 

My own path to power was revealed and the penis kind of came along for the ride.

buy me a coffee

The deeper lesson was revealed only though the patience of this land and the family that inhabited it with me. What began with an obsessive (neurotic?) quest for precisely the right conditions slowly widened into an appreciation for the conditions at hand. Okay, we can’t get everyone out for a ride, but at least we’ve got this walk. When I was outside often enough, I found thin regret in cowering before a cold rain. There was a different flavor of fulfillment revealed on the couch in front of a fire. With enough movement, rest was equally nourishing. 

I had started by counting my days. Days of skiing, days of riding, days of running came into focus. Many, maybe most, were magical moments of personal and family joy, but, beyond their intrinsic delight, I turned them into markers of truth and proof of virtue tallied on my personal score card as evidence that I was leading a good life. 

Though the exact number is unknowable, finite hours of movement remain in my life. This truth grows heavier as I age. Those Vermont days taught me to see movement as a celebration of abundance –– time, strength, space, weather, and support. For every hour I put on my absurd little score card, I learned to give thanks for all the other hours that made it possible. The grace that had come so naturally to me on the river, that discovered me in deserts around Sandwash, and that led me into depths of the courage that made my marriage possible, finally found its home in the exponential complexity of family life. I stumbled, once again, into re, re-learning the joy of living in the moment––the stupid simplicity of something that had slipped away from me so many times without my even catching on to what was taken from me; what I took from myself.   

As I write this, my self-imposed exile from the Green Mountain State is entering its 15th year. I miss the magic of winter, but I have never suffered the least shadow of the malaise that drove me out of California. I finally saw that he deeper sickness had nothing to do with the environment in which I lived. I had visualized Vermont as an oasis of abundance in a barren world only to realize I had fabricated a completely gratuitous personal exile from the richness of the world around me. The celestial alignment required to find the perfect moment is entirely internal. 

Neither had I expected such a profound development in my marriage. We were approaching twelve years together when we entered Vermont and 18 by the time we left. As of this writing the last time we were together on HAHA was just over 10 years ago. Our goals over those three days were fractions of the times and distances we regularly logged in in Vermont, but the magic was undiluted. 

The currents of our married life have conspired to take us places that are not conducive to HAHA. I had taken for granted that burning through miles in the great outdoors was going to be a permanent fixture of our coupledom, rather than the brief, intense affair that it has (so far) turned out to be. 

Even now, out at dinner, or in the rare quiet moments we have together, our conversations come back to HAHita¹ and all of those fabulous, quiet or thrilling moments we shared together. While endurance has become an ever more critical part of my life, Daysi has chosen to tackle other, much heavier, obligations. When HAHA comes up in our conversations, I see the fear in her eyes. I know she is afraid that we have lost that gift forever. I disagree. I refuse to let go of that hope. I don’t need epic passes or century rides to be fulfilled. Together, on some bright day, thirty minutes out and back on the flats of Route 2 will suit me just fine. 

You can tell by now that I love life’s ironies. One of the most profound is how all those miles on the front of the bike prepared me to drop back. It was time for me to hop on the stoker seat of this family enterprise. I finally found the sense to follow the signs: Vermont proved that my career options were no longer dictated by where we lived, my obsession with finding the ‘right’ conditions dissolved in to a problem of perspective, and, most critical, I was enmeshed with a partner I could trust unconditionally. Through almost twenty years our relationship had passed through so many shapes and flourished in each of them. The unlikely cycling partnership had surprised us both and suggested that many more surprises remained. Little did I know how accurate that was.

1. "-ita" is term of endearment in Spanish that is especially prevalent among Peruvians. HAHAita would translate as "our dear little HAHA".

buy me a coffee

I’ve learned that my annoyance points me at issues worthy of more reflection. Why did this bother me so much? Most of the time it happened on climbs. Perhaps I could attribute a percentage of the incidents to our moving slowly enough for people to think they could interact, but that did not work as a full explanation. We were often passed by cyclists, especially on hills, but I don’t recall a single one commenting on my wife’s cadence. If they acknowledged us at all, it was usually a quick thumbs up or one of the short phrases encoded in cycling culture: “Send it.” “Yeah man.” “Looking good.”

I no longer believe it was a coincidence that their comments came at us exactly in the moments of peak physical struggle. Clearly these people had no idea about the profound physical collaboration and trust required. No, I had that wrong. The fluidity of our synchronization and the physicality of our union was most obvious in just these moments. There is a subtle threat in the power of people so united. Envy is ugly. Yes, I judge harshly. 

I can’t recall ever hearing a woman call out to us this way. Try as I might, I find it impossible to imagine this comment coming at us if she was in front and I was on the stoker seat. “She’s not peddling,” –– a statement clearly not intended to flatter my wife. This was yet another one of those tiresome nudge, nudge, wink, wink invitations into the brotherhood of oppressed penis bearers –– we who must carry the burden of these free-loading women through our dreary lives. It’s hard not to gag. 

I was surprised by how this kind of commentary blended into the misconceptions of fellow riders. “Tandems are so slow,” was such a common opening line that my reflex became, “Ever tried drafting?” At that point we could at least have a conversation rooted in the realities of Newtonian physics. I don’t recall winning any converts. Neither did I need them. 

Of course, most every couple that learned about our hobby felt obliged to comment. “So many hours, just staring at his back?” wondered the women. “She trusts you to drive?” asked the men. “I can’t imagine,” was the unisex chorus –– usually a good indication that it was time for me to go see if the host needed help in the kitchen. These comments, just like those of the ‘friendly’ pedestrians, said much more about the speakers than either of us. 

I had not intended to ride straight into the headwinds of conventional wisdom. How does flying down dirt roads of uncertain quality, strapped to another human and some aluminum tubing, become such sacred space? How did we come to be excited by the promise of six hours of hard labor in the summer sun? These were much more relevant questions. 

When we started to mix 40-50 mile rides into our training, one of our favorites crossed through downtown Montpelier and headed up Route 12 towards Northfield. The climb out of Montpelier was a respectable undertaking all on its own, but once we were out of the Winooski river valley the road meandered and rolled for another 5 miles before finding the covered bridge on the right where Cox Brook Road came out of the mountains. Here, we began another four miles of climbing over Moretown Mountain on our way into the town center. The road cut through a broad, shallow valley alternating between fields and forests. Cox Brook dwindled beside us as we climbed, and a spectacular lupine garden on the left of the road about half way into the climb made taking the route a special priority through the middle of June. 

On a particularly warm day at the end of June we paused for a butt break on one of the steeper sections near the top. I misjudged some combination of the incline and our strength and left HAHA angled straight up the grade. “Ready? 1,2,3” we’re off, but not quite. We didn’t get enough speed to sustain movement; neither did we get our feet down in time to prevent the fall. Instinctively, I curled up like a pill bug, rolled off the edge of the road, and somehow came to stop crouched on my feet at the bottom of the drainage ditch. I looked up to see Daysi seated halfway down the bank. We needed a minute to recover from the surprise. Dust bonded to the sweat across her right side but I saw no blood.

I couldn’t help chuckling at my wife’s new uniform, “You should see yourself.” 

She scratched at the coating on her right arm. “You looked like an armadillo. I thought you were going to roll right off the mountain.” 

“Don’t armadillos do dust baths?” I winked at her. That was enough for both of us to start laughing. After recovering as much dignity as the dust uniforms would allow, I set the bike across the grade in a patch with less gravel, and we really did get rolling. 

The moment highlighted how our time on HAHA had evolved. A year earlier I am certain this incident would have spooked us both. 

On a purely physical level the HAHA partnership was straightforward. Gearing and cadence decisions, by default, were mine. I had the strongest legs and my hands were on the shifters, but I received a lot of information through the frame and drive chain. I added this to the intuitive understanding of my partner that accumulated with the miles. These choices were rarely discussed but every once in a while my judgment was off and Daysi chimed in to request more or less cadence. I also provided verbal warnings when I was about to do something unusual, like dropping into easier gears before a turn, or when a shift was likely to be crunchy because of tension in the chain or overdue maintenance. Overall, we spent very little time discussing the mechanics of our ride. 

Braking was entirely under my control, and I marveled at the trust Daysi had in my judgement. HAHA helped to make me look good. The bike had large discs that threw heat quickly and gave excellent grip. Tandem physics enabled me to take advantage of the front wheel’s maximum stopping power without ever worrying about pulling a face plant. There were many places on these roads where I was happy to exert as much grip as my hands could possibly squeeze. Dropping off of Moretown Mountain was just such a place. The descent into Moretown was considerably steeper than the climb out of Northfield, and therefore more likely to have washouts and gravel patches. Most critically, the road T’d off to Route 100b at a steep angle. The short stretch of pavement here was usually covered in sand and chunks of gravel washed down from above. My goal was to have as little momentum as possible by the time we hit the final 20 feet of pavement, and sometimes I felt like I was at the limit of my grip strength. 

The sphere of trust related to the technical realities of HAHA was critical but still only a tiny fraction of what made the partnership work. Physically, there was no question that training together made each of us stronger cyclists, but that was not what mattered most. On HAHA the drivetrain fused our efforts – we became a single physical entity. If she was feeling weak or uncomfortable it was just a matter of time before my body started to absorb the pressure. Likewise, my fatigue would limit her range. The transfer might be subtle but it was also inevitable. It was rare that one of us asked for a break that the other wasn’t already hoping for. 

As a unique physical entity the rules of endurance training applied to team HAHA the same as they would any single athlete. Just as I gained confidence in my strength when training for a marathon, so we gained strength on HAHA. We knew exactly where we stood with regards to our HAHA capabilities, and so we knew when we were testing them. Each time we did something a bit longer, a bit harder, or a bit faster we laid down another level of confidence. Inevitably, as physical capabilities grew so did the mental toughness needed to work through the periods of doubt and pain. As distance cyclists already know, a large part of training comes down to getting used to spending hours on the bike. This came naturally as our distances increased.

While the bike fused our physical capabilities, we remained independent emotional entities. There was no guarantee that our readiness to ride would be the same or that the shared fatigue on a ride would have the same impact on each of us. Either one of us could veto a ride at any point, either by formal declaration or just by a de facto lack of willpower, and yet across the thousands of miles we logged over those summers there was only one ride that we cut short, and that was by mutual agreement. 

As hours accumulated, the importance of our sacred space became ever clearer. I found an implicit recognition of fragility in the way we cared for the partnership. Instinctively, we would ask about each other’s readiness to ride. Any level of coercion would have broken the bond. Work, parenting logistics, a bad mood, and lack of sleep were among the many factors that could chill or enhance our enthusiasm for any given ride. Because of our banter, readiness could be assessed in degrees, and those degrees could be translated into the distance and cadence for any ride. 

Hitting Moretown, we had a decision to make. The most common option was a 10 mile extension that took us up one of Grampa’s good pulls and then dropped us into Waterbury. Most days, we came into Moretown with a plan, but we still had the conversation. The general store had chairs on a covered porch and a wide set of stairs leading up to the door, any of which made for great places to get our cheeks off of the seats, assess our fatigue levels and finalize the route back. 

On this day, still decked out in the dust from our roll down the bank, we opted for the longer route. It would be our first 50+ miler of the season. We had dropped down into Waterbury and were heading out of town on Route 2 back to Middlesex when a guy passed us with a grim look on his face. He was strong and pushing hard. On his tail, another guy appeared. Something about them seemed uncharacteristically strained. Most riders on the back roads of Vermont did not obsess over segment personal records (and even less in these days before Strava). Still, it was not unusual to see a couple of younger guys pushing each other. 

We were on the tail end of a long day with nothing to prove. There was no reason to fall in behind them until the young woman passed us some 10 yards behind the boys. Her cadence was liquid. I saw no strain in the flow of her power. Suddenly it all became clear to me. I called back to Daysi, “Uy, esto va ser interesante. Vamos a seguirla un rato.” [Oh, this going to be good. We’ve gotta watch this.] We upped our cadence and I loosened a gear to drop in behind her. It was not a pace we could sustain all the way back to Montpelier, but I knew we didn’t need to. I knew exactly what was going to happen and had a pretty good idea where. We rolled through a mile or two of turns beside the river and over a bridge before we hit a gentle rise. I heard the downshifting on her bike ahead of me and dropped a gear or two of our own. Halfway into the climb she stood up in her saddle and vanished. The dude in front made a valiant, but hopeless effort to catch her before it was too late. Now that the show was over we dropped back to enjoy the rest of our ride. We passed the guys sulking at the creemee stand, but the woman was nowhere to be seen. 

We rolled into Montpelier completely cooked but cackling like a couple of old hens about the spectacle we had just seen and the overall lovely state of the summer afternoon. Some of the dust we had picked up on our roll down the bank had congealed into a salty paste that settled into the creases of our joints or formed sticky streaks down my back and across Daysi’s right side. 

“I am sure we’re quite the billboard for the tandem lifestyle,” I called back.

At which point she broke out into chorus, “I’m too sexy for my bike. Too sexy for my bike..” 

And there it was –– the simple joy of just being out in the world together. There could be no better reason.

buy me a coffee

Any good partnership should push its constituents into uncomfortable places. Wisdom is an unwanted chaperone, best avoided. 

A set of consulting projects took me into the southern edges of British Columbia. I found glaciers that clung to the sides of massive stone spires, rich, emerald forests, and broad river valleys. Clouds, white and grey, galloped through moody skies scattering the sunlight into heavy golden lances that pinned me to each place they touched. I was forever transfixed into the horizon, staring into the movement of light over the land, or snared by the faint trails and fire roads that beckoned me. 

No matter how hard I concentrated on any one thing, something else always glinted in the periphery of my vision. It was impossible to fully absorb such a complicated landscape even though I was completely committed to the effort. The logistics of business travel prevented me from bringing a bike, but I did manage to ride the coattails of meetings off into extended trail runs. Slush, snow, and rain found me on tight, rocky trails and mossy logging roads with a small flashlight clutched in cold fingers.

I don’t usually look to my parents as enablers of adultery, but my Mom was all too obliging. She and her husband moved from Colorado to a small town an hour north of Spokane, Washington. Given her new location I had both the motivation (abundant), and the means to look for riding trysts beyond our beloved Vermont. Even more importantly, she offered childcare. Dad contributed a tandem shipping case and two sets of red panniers that looked sharp on HAHA’s bright blue frame. My Mom’s husband lent us his truck and my wife brought her unflagging enthusiasm. I applied myself to the maps. Digital research with MapQuest helped me to calculate both distance and elevation for a four-day loop in the area of Nelson. Booking hotels enabled us to travel light but also meant that we would have to achieve set distances each day. 

Day one was a 70 km jaunt from Salmo to Creston, with Kootenay Pass as the central feature of the ride. A few thousand Vermont miles and almost twenty years of marriage prepared us to tackle long climbs, but this would be the first time we had to work through 22 kilometers and more than 1000 meters of elevation in a single go. 

Time in the Colorado high country taught me that it is best to get over passes before the afternoon thunderstorms gather around the peaks. My planning included an early departure on our first day, but my schedule was derailed by Mom’s scheming. I don’t recall the details of the activity she organized for the girls but sticking around for a couple of hours seemed more important than my perpetual early-start anxiety. For someone doing normal cycling math, my nerves were hard to justify. There would be plenty of August sunshine that far north even with an afternoon start. In the high country, however, calculations should be done with different variables. 

The drive up went entirely as planned. We had no issues at the small border crossing, and the growing intensity of the mountains heightened our excitement. In Salmo, we found a restaurant that had a large parking lot and an open door. A quick inquiry confirmed they didn’t mind us leaving the truck in their lot for a few days. In minutes we had the bike outfitted with all four panniers, slapped on sunscreen, and donned our water packs. We hit the road in the bright sunshine of the early afternoon, and we had the first fifteen kilometers to warm up before we started on the pass. 

In British Columbia the rugged alpine terrain shows up at much lower elevations. The mountains around us maxed out at around 2000 meters but still towered as the kind of massive stone spires I associated with 14ers of Colorado. The woods were dense, emerald, and mossy. Glaciers stood as reminders that more snow fell through the long, wet winters than the brief weeks of summer sun could erase. Water flowed everywhere: thin veils streamed off of the peaks, bright white lines broke through the dark green mountainsides, vast lakes and fearsome rivers sparkled in the deepest valleys. Constantly scoured by so much water and ice, the sides of these peaks were steeper than most of what I found in Colorado. 

The climb began in the way of most passes. We rode beside a tumbling creek whose large size told me a lot about how much space was above us. I selected the smallest ring up front and we moved through a slow strobe of tree shadows. We filled our heads with the roaring water, welcomed the sweaty brine that glossed us, cozied up to the bright sun and relaxed into the cool air. We settled in to do the work. 

The road turned away from the stream sooner than I had anticipated. The climb intensified by a degree or so, but was still in a familiar range of intensity. I alternated between the two biggest gears on the rear cluster as we zigged and zagged across the skirts of the mountain range. The engineers had done fine work finding a comparatively gentle angle for a road that cut through such precipitous terrain. 

With each pedal stroke the valley sank further into haze, became more of a feature, less of a place––a remote, improbable nook of sun and orchards that we could hardly imagine, much less remember. Above, impending, dark clouds boiled around the peaks. We were going to get wet––probably catch a light show as well, but I expected that the pass was deep enough to protect us from real danger. 

The first rumbles reached us somewhere close to the one-third mark. Though Daysi claimed she wasn’t worried, power surged through the drive chain with each roll of thunder. Legs were no longer fresh, but we were still strong on the pedals. The road took us off of the skirts into a high valley where the ridges came in closer and rose higher. The improbable, fantastical valley where we had started was locked away behind grey gates of stone and cloud. Progress was harder to measure in these shadowed lands. We persisted in the patient, tiny steps of a steady cadence, and as we continued up the clouds moved lower. Bright flashes alerted us to the baritone waves that broke hard around us and faded through their own echoes. We were smaller in this grey and roiling landscape. We persisted.  

It was colder here. We stopped to layer up. The higher we climbed the more grateful I was for every minute without rain. We were on borrowed time, but we continued our advance and the clouds continued their march down to meet us –– ever darker but for the bright flashes. The thunder sometimes vibrated in my chest before it cascaded away through its own echoes. 

The pass ended with a whimper. 

I was prepared for a final, steep push through narrow switchbacks, precarious engineering and vertiginous views. Instead, the road gradually flattened as it moved through a broad gap and around a sizable lake. Just where the grade flattened, our luck dissolved into the boiling clouds. A few minutes of light showers suggested clemency before the sky collapsed into a cascade of falling water and frigid air. Finally! The suspense broke. We hunched shoulders, picked up the cadence and aimed for escape. 

Salvation emerged through the grey light a few hundred meters off to the right. Rain hammered a howling racket on a large sheet-metal building that was easier to hear than see.  Closer, the entrance towered three meters above us, wide enough for several large trucks. I pointed HAHA straight through the gloom and coasted into the dark throat of the structure. Like any small mammal, we scurried into the furthest corner, stood against a wall, and turned, wide-eyed, to stare into the howling storm. Tractor tracks and traces of road salt let me guess that the sheet metal shed was big enough for a winter’s worth of salt and equipment to move it. 

Our breath condensed, grey in the darkness. At least we were out of the onslaught. Rain hammered metal. Talking was impossible; didn’t even try. We dug through the panniers to pull out all remaining layers, and then stood together, in the roar. From the darkness of the shed I stared out into the grey sheets as they swirled, shifted and blurred the pine groves. The road was only a few meters beyond the opening––invisible. No cars passed. 

I began the uncomfortable calculus of hypothermia. Because the wind had already started to weaken I bet on this being a “quick” mountain downpour. How quick? How long did we have? How long could we safely rest? How long could we survive in the cold, soaking rain? At one extreme I knew that spending a night this way would be bad. On the other, dashing out into the torrent of cold water to bomb down the pass also seemed foolish. Breath clouded my glasses. Heat of the climb drained away. We should wait for a break, not even a perfect break –– just something better than this. The weather had gathered around the peaks, it ought to open up as we descended. I hoped. 

We had climbed for well over an hour. Maybe three. Generally it is best not to do that kind of math on a long pull, but it would have been helpful now. I worked on these problems without speaking but could hardly hear even my own thoughts through the racket of rain on metal.

I leaned into Daysi’s ear and shouted, “We should eat something.” 

I moved my ear near to her mouth. “I’m not really hungry,” she hollered.

“Me either, but we need the calories.” 

Side by side, with fistfuls of trail mix we chewed and stared into the rain. I sealed the bag and bent over to tuck it into the designated corner of my pannier. 

SILENCE. 

I looked up.

Snow –– large, heavy, wet flakes fell straight, hard like rain, but soundless. Snow that was almost water meant that the ground might stay warm enough to prevent ice. Even so, it fell hard, dense. The tops of stones turned white. My already limited view of the pine groves became even blurrier as the needles took on winter camouflage in the heart of August. I felt every centimeter of my clammy surface; the chill sank deeper. My wife, I knew, was smaller and more prone to cold. 

I no longer needed to shout. 

“How are you doing?”

“Cold, but I think okay.” 

“We can’t stay much longer.” 

“Why not?” 

“We are going to get too cold.” 

“Okay” There was uncertainty in her voice, and unwillingness to ask more questions. 

We stared into the white wall, and waited. We stood still. The world raged around us. I knew that our stillness was a danger, and yet I was hypnotized by the silent beauty of the falling snow and fixed in the sudden severity or our circumstances. At least, I remained sharp. My silence, my stillness was, as yet, more the coil of anticipation than the lethargy of hypothermia; still ready to fight, but for how much longer? 

The snow stopped.

We rolled out of the salt shed fully mounted. Flurries still danced around us. HAHA cut a shallow trail through the slush on the dirt lot. Pavement was only wet. We were not yet on the backside of the pass, so I threw us into the big chain ring. We pushed hard, but it didn't last long. Within a few hundred meters we were on a downward angle that provided no resistance in even our tightest gear. We had only enough climbing to take a few hard breaths and get a flicker of lactic fire in the quads. Not enough. There was no ice, but the spray off of the road was thick, viscous, freezing. I was full in the teeth of the wind. Faster to get through this? Slower, to reduce the cooling? Fingers became more abstract. 

BAM!

Ten centimeters of thick slush covered the road. The weight of two riders and gear on 35 mm tires cut hard enough to keep rubber on the pavement. But what about ice? This same force equation would work against us. Two riders, already on the verge of hypothermia, sliding through the slush into the guard rail? Over an edge? Into a car? The image was only a flicker. Vision narrowed. Where a car had passed I found a channel. In this gap only water covered the pavement. But we were in the middle of the road, walls of slush on either side. The melting snow followed my same logic; concentrated its icy flow in this thin channel. Shivering began. 

The first car off the road was on our side –– over against the guardrail. I swerved out of the channel; nothing more than blind faith when I could no longer see where wheels met the pavement. Not much damage on the vehicle, and we were in no condition to stop. The next one was on the other side of the road up against the mountain. Flashing lights meant a cop was already beside them. I considered, briefly, easing HAHA to a stop and asking for help. I saw us stripped down in the back of the heated cruiser. Maybe people were already in there. Get off the road. Get away from spinning cars. I shivered through my whole body, but I could still feel enough of the brakes. 

“Days, we have to get the fuck off of this mountain.” I shouted back. No response. 

The runoff opened a channel of visible pavement over on the shoulder. I eased HAHA diagonally through the slush into that channel. No longer in the middle of the road; relief. But barely-visible, unknown shoulder pavement. How fast would be too fast? Our experience helped. We held our tuck and kept ourselves butt-up; prepared, within limits, to absorb unexpected hits. Light pressure on the brakes reminded me that I had hands. I wondered if Daysi’s thighs were shivering like mine. Most of the channel was blessedly straight, but deep. The spray was generous––frigid bath to feet to thighs to chest––the entire world became a ten centimeter channel of flowing water; wheel in the center. Where the stream swerved, I trusted the traction and aimed for the next bit where our purpose aligned with the water. Fortunately the road was mostly straight and the pavement smooth. 

As suddenly as it had appeared the slush was gone. Was this ten minutes? Was it an hour? Was it two minutes? Out of the ice bath, on clear pavement; relief. Air started to warm. Shivering left my legs. I tentatively concluded that we had survived. 

The brake levers were out there, somewhere below my elbows. I concentrated on the memory of clenched fists until the bike started to slow. With greater concentration HAHA eased to a stop. I felt for the pavement with the end of my left leg, and I found resistance about where I would have expected it. A fuzzy ache confirmed contact. I paused, tested for balance and then popped the other foot out of its pedal. 

Thanks to tandem physics, Daysi received less of the icewater and was in the lee of the wind. Without dismounting I turned to ask if I could warm my fingers. She winced when I stuffed my numb hands and wet gloves into her arm pits but clamped her arms tight over them. My hands were so close to her core that I could feel she was not shivering.

“You warm enough?” 

“I’ll be okay. Seems better now.” She wasn’t smiling, but there was no fear in her face.

I looked over her left shoulder up into the late afternoon light. My eyes followed the cut of the road as it climbed the mountain. It looked like any other big climb. 

I left my hands just long enough to feel individual fingers. Then I turned to look back down the path of our descent, and across big views to the East and the South. The late afternoon sun angled across the land and had already settled into more honeyed tones. A patch of bright sun across the road below us promised more warmth ahead; time to go find it. No more than thirty minutes later we stopped again to shed layers. 

We rolled into Creston on a warm summer evening. We had taken full advantage of the long twilight to get this far. The hotel, once we found it, was little more than a few rooms tucked into the second floor over a pub––clean and cozy. 

HAHA barely fit along the far wall under the window. We covered every inch of the frame in layers of sodden gear. Hotel towels joined the moldering collection after our hot shower. We dug in the bottoms of our panniers for that single change of cotton clothing wrapped in multiple plastic bags. Dry. Warm. Clean; bland adjectives I was happy to celebrate

We didn’t make it down to the pub until after 8:00 pm. Dim lighting and dark decor made it feel smaller than it was. We passed through the door into a babble of laughter, stories, jibes and flirting. So much. So many. So loud. Tire hum, chain clatter, and whistling breeze were all suddenly faint, fragile and distant. When the bartender smiled and told us to take any table I was astonished that her conversational tone cut through the racket. As the room came into focus I found fewer than a dozen souls. Most were gathered around a pool table at the far edge of the pub. 

We took over a corner bench behind the bar. The flickery, cool blue glow of a half-dozen big screens competed with, and mostly lost to, the yellow glow of weak bulbs. My mood was attuned to the dim, the snug, the dark –– ruled by the singular desire to curl up in a burrow and annoyed that I could not look up without confronting the piercing rays of those screens. I was further disappointed by how I let the jostling pixels pull me out into the brightly lit fields of summer olympic games over in the U.K. Cameras cut from stadiums, to fans, to athletes, to action. So fast. So bright. Though the screen was muted I could feel commentators shouting in those big announcer voices over roaring crowds. Not my world. Not my place. 

I wanted the halflight, the soft T-shirt, Daysi’s hand, the cold richness of my pint –– bitter and bright over the tongue –– to sink into a puddle of languid flesh. Burger and fries please. Yes, medium. Sure the salad too. Blue cheese please. The alcohol mixed with residual adrenaline and the gentle endorphin glow. She leaned against me. The heat and weight of her body held the cold, bright screens at bay. 

We could have died today. 

But can’t you say that most every day? 

Sure, but not quite so up close and personal like. 

No shit. 

That was close. You did great. 

We just had to get off the damn mountain to someplace warmer. 

Won’t forget about that one anytime soon. 

Fuck no. 

We made it. 

Yep. 

Tomorrow’s another day.

Probably a whole lot easier.

Couldn’t be harder.

There was no need for the obscene fleshiness of flapping jaws. The fold of my arm around her waist and the warmth of her hand over mine said all we needed. 

Our fellow patrons were as remote as England –– would that I could mute them too. There was yet some piece of the mountain that lingered between us and them. My lips found the edge of her ear, lost in the lazy wholeness of each body and creeping drowsiness. Through the curve of her back against my soft belly I felt the steady ebb and flow of her ribs –– each breath a sensual and celebratory thing. 

Opening the door to our room was like climbing under the lid of a compost bin. Yes it is possible to gag while laughing. Everything was drying out, except for the room itself –– soaked in the humid funk of drenched and sweaty humans. Despite the encroaching cold of the north-country night, we threw open the windows and snuggled deeper into the covers –– two bright embers banked against the damp and the darkness.

The next morning we left early, and figured that breakfast would find us on the route. The day was cool and cloud-dappled. We worked through rolling country that took us to and from the shore line. We had expansive views of sharp peaks rising above the forests on the far side of the lake. The unique pace of cycling fit our side perfectly. Moving any faster would have created friction between us and the surrounding beauty. Excessive focus on the road would have made us less distractible. I don’t recall much in the way of convenience stores but cottage industry abounded. Fresh raspberries, sure. Hazelnuts, absolutely. Local honey, oh yes. Home made brownies, oh hell yes. Graze a bit. Chat a bit. Load up and roll. Lazy progress was sufficient for the day. 

Despite the bright sun, the breeze on the docks was cool enough for us to break out light jackets while we waited for the ferry to take us to the western shore. We found the only small ring riding of the day as we continued north up to our hotel at the Ainsworth Hot Springs. Even these were only short pulls. We knew that we would cover this territory again tomorrow when we rode back to Nelson to meet Mom and the girls. 

When I think about a great day of bike touring this one comes to mind. We had clocked more than ninety kilometers through some of the world’s most spectacular scenery. The long summer hours made it feel like we had all the time in the world. No curiosity was too trivial for a stop, and a few minutes in the hot springs pool was a nice way to wrap up the day. 

The next day was light riding. We were in no hurry to get out the door and then spent most of the afternoon in Nelson napping beside the lake while we waited for Mom and the girls to arrive. The weather was much warmer. By the time we met them at the hotel we were already rested, and, after a shower, filled them in on our adventures. Mom managed to find a room that fit the five of us. We thought this was great team building for the family until Mom settled into a snoring jag that kept us awake most of the night. 

The next day was forecasted to be even hotter. This would be our longest day, with a significant pass somewhere around the two thirds mark. We set out earlier enough to hit the pass before storms built up. When we left Nelson through the valley on the backside of Sentinel Mountain we found consistent easy riding –– more fields than hills. The traffic was only intense when we moved through towns. The heat, however, came on hard. By 11:00 we struggled to keep our water packs filled. We stopped to throw a couple of extra water bottles into the panniers at the last town before the pass. 

We hit the base of the climb sometime before 1:00. Given our goal to avoid the late afternoon storms, the timing wasn’t bad, but the heat sizzled at close to 35C. The road was modern, well-engineered and broader than Kootenay pass had been. At that hour of the day, there was absolutely no shade. If not for our fear of the storms, we would have been wise to hunker down and wait for cooler hours. So far, even the peaks were clear, but we knew how quickly the view could change. 

We launched into the ascent with roughly 75 kilometers behind us and the expectation that this climb would be something less than twenty kilometers. For almost an hour we labored up the pass, took breaks when it seemed like we might overheat and sucked down water. We were reaching that point in the day when we needed an actual rest, but wanted to get out of the sun. Daysi finally figured out a solution. When we came to one of the road cuts through a small ridge she noticed that the angle of the construction created a small patch of shade partway up the bank. We grabbed nuts and the spare water bottles before scrambling up the slope to a spot where we could get part of our bodies into some shade. The height of the slope also gave us more exposure to the mild breeze. We estimated that we were somewhere between one third and half way up. The skies remained clear, and there was almost no traffic. Now that the risks of another near-death experience appeared minimal we could relax. 

Perched up in the cut, we looked down on HAHA sparkling blue in the bright sun. The view up the pass hid behind the embankments but we could see down into the valley where we had started. The commercial sprawl was already a remote memory. We felt the weight of the miles and a bit of that unique fatigue that comes from high heat, and we could feel that our strength was up to the task. Neither of us was ready to pull out Grampa’s trademark “It’s all downhill from here,” but, by now, we had earned a bit of swagger. A few minutes of dozing in our scrap of shade set us up to burn through the remaining elevation and there was no reason to fear the handful of kilometers that separated us from the car after that.

For the remainder of the climb we had the dual advantages of temperatures that dropped at higher elevations and a sun that cooled as it fell towards the horizon. We settled in to grind. I stopped us shy of the crest to snap a picture of the “Trucks test brakes” sign that is the beacon of hope for cyclists everywhere. On the other side I was surprised to find a mostly straight, completely wide open, and totally empty road with perfect pavement. Eight kilometers and 800 meters of elevation. I never even tapped the brakes. Daysi whooped out loud behind me.

buy me a coffee

In 2007 ebikes were not common if they even existed, so I was surprised to find that HAHA came with electric power. Perhaps it would be more accurate to declare HAHA a peculiar species of hybrid vehicle. 

Summer thunderstorms in Vermont were often intense but also highly localized. The ones that packed a punch formed along cold fronts coming out of the northwest heading east, and even these could be unpredictable. There were many days when the black clouds threatened on the horizon but never found us. Sometimes we were on wet roads for many miles but never saw rain. 

I first discovered HAHA’s unique electrical capabilities on one of these close calls. We were riding north through one of our many Vermont river valleys as the clouds approached out of the West. At first the effect was so subtle that I thought something might be off in our cadence. Finally, when a strike was close enough to light up a chunk of the Western sky, I concluded that the surge of power was unmistakable. 

“Oye, mi Bella, estamos en el fondo de la valle. No hay ningún peligro acá.” [Hey, my dear, we’re in the bottom of the valley. There’s no danger here.]

“I know, but it still spooks me.”

Daysi wasn’t afraid of lightning per se, but she did seem to be of more highly conductive material than most of us. Static charge was fond of her, to the point where, in the dry winter months, I made sure to ground myself by touching her hand before going in for a kiss. Though I have no scars to prove it, I am pretty sure we burned our lips once or twice. Small appliances have died at her touch. Given her chemistry she was probably right to respect high voltage from the heavens. Plus, she is one of these people with an especially energetic startle reflex. When we were on HAHA this was all to my benefit. Her reflexes converted a crashing wave of thunderous sound into remarkable wattage. I hit the power jackpot when something was close enough for us to catch a bright flash. In the heavily wooded hills and valleys of Vermont, there were few places where getting struck was a real risk. Even dirt roads rarely reached the tops of ridges. 

On this day we wanted to log 80 miles. The plan was to go up through the heights of Cabot and then cross on Route 15 into Morrisville and take Route12 back to Montpelier. There were reports of possible thunder showers, but we had long ago learned that waiting for ideal conditions in the North Country was a fool's errand. Despite the predictions of Armageddon, most rides worked out just fine. Coming through the winding flats into Cabot, we could see that, this time, we were unlikely to be spared. The black wall building in the western skies stretched as far north as we could see. It wouldn’t be the first time we got wet. 

Perfect timing. The thunder began just as we started the long, steep climb out of Cabot. I was grateful for the extra bursts of power coming from the back of the bike. Getting up to the heights gave us a clearer picture of what our future held. The bright green of the corn and hay fields was especially intense when framed by the black clouds beyond. We could already see the thick gray curtains falling into the valley below. 

"Looks like we might get wet, my dear.” 

“Keep moving.” She replied.

BOOM! Wee haw! Power surged. “Another blast like that, and I might need to use the brakes on this climb.” 

She snorted.

The first rain drops caught us as the climb tapered to a gentle incline across the ridge. They rode in on the forward edge of a freight train. The wind hit our left side. Hard. For a brief moment we saw the trees across the field swirl and dance –– more liquid than solid. The lighter green from the backs of the leaves smeared into patches and waves that tore across the darker green of the forest. 

Then the grey curtain closed in. Complete chaos. Sometimes more horizontal than vertical, there was no gap in the wall of water that engulfed us. I was most concerned by the inevitable temperature drop. At first, it was a cool relief that quenched the exertion of the long climb, but I worried about the temperature moving too far. It stabilized, and at a level that just barely registered as uncomfortable –– no danger there. I evaluated our status through the feel of HAHA. Daysi’s cadence was steady and remained smooth; no longer spiking as the sky lit up around us. Flashes of lightning registered only a brief bright spot in the grey soup and the thunder was only a dull, throaty bass note buried under the hammering rain and howling gusts. 

“How are you doing back there?” 

“What?” 

“How are you doing?” 

“What?” 

“HOW ARE YOU DOING?” 

“WET.” 

Ironically, in the constant bombardment her power curve had leveled out. Now caught in the belly of the beast with no options for escape, she knew exactly what needed to be done. 

By the time we made it to the intersection of Route 15, the worst of the wind had died down, but we were still moving through a wall of water –– worth a pause. We unclipped. Standing over the bike I twisted around to behold my bedraggled wife. I found her smiling. 

“You warm enough?” 

“I’ll be okay. Let’s keep moving.” 

Route 15 from Walden Heights into Hardwick was a fast 7 miles, almost all downhill. With the weight of two riders on them, HAHA’s wheels cut straight through the water sheeting across the road. I tested the brakes a few times and was satisfied by their grip. Speed was limited only by visibility. I was not intimate with this stretch of road but I had ridden it enough to know there were no major potholes. The surface itself was hidden beneath the water. So we treated it like most any other descent –– get our butts up and trust the bike. I kept us away from edges where surprises were most likely to lurk and had to hope we were visible enough to the occasional cars. My feet were in a constant power wash of warmish water coming off the pavement, and the cooling effect of flying downhill was less than expected. The air was so dense that I felt no evaporation, and the rain was only cool. I knew Daysi had extra protection tucked in behind me. 

By the time we made it to the gas station on the edge of Hardwick the rain had diminished to a normal downpour. We were not comfortable but neither was there any immediate danger – just wet, very wet. The promise of getting out of the rain pushed us through the door. The frigid bite of air conditioning turned us around just as quickly. We huddled under one of the eves and chewed on some damp nuts. Damn that salt was good! 

For the first (and only) time we decided to abandon our plan and turned back down Route 14 to head home instead of continuing on to Morrisville. It was the wrong call. Though we were still under threatening skies, the rain faded away completely a few miles south of Hardwick. We rode through the bottom of a north-south valley and could no longer see the weather that was moving out of the west. Assuming the worst, we persisted. The wisdom of lycra was again revealed, we were mostly dry by the top of the next climb. Still in the valley, we could see only a few cotton puffs intruding on the bright blue dome above us. We arrived back at our door on a perfect summer day with warm sun, blue skies, fluffy bits of cloud and a light breeze. We were 40 miles short of our target and had missed the finest riding hours of the day.

Our children were oblivious. “Why are you back so early?” 

When I removed my shoes in the garage I noted the thick layer of sand pooled into the heel and reminded Daysi that we shouldn’t shed any more clothing until already in the shower. We went in together. The layers came off with enough road grit to form our own private beach banked up in the corners of our shower stall.

“Yeah, I’ll let you explain this one to Ryal (our plumber),” I said as we toweled off and returned to civilian life.

buy me a coffee

At some point all cycling intersects with food. We saved Grampa’s fuel of choice, creemees, for the family rides with the kids. When Daysi and I did our shorter rides, food was rarely an issue, but on longer rides Daysi was more likely to get hungry than I. She usually solved that by grabbing a snack before we left, and the last few miles of a longer ride were often dedicated to a running monologue of exactly what she would eat as soon as she could burst through the doors. Only the fear of marking up our wood floors forced her out of cleated shoes before she bolted for the kitchen. 

We had adapted quickly to Vermont food culture. True to Grampa’s unspoken teachings, our garden grew a little bit every year. We were regulars at the farmer’s market and purchased the majority of our meat and eggs from neighbors. By our third summer we could be considered at least casual Localvores. We had worked out our local supply chains for high-quality, organic fare, but there were a few exceptions. Our voracious teenage daughter was fueled largely by bulk pasta and frozen Chinese dumplings from Costco. Likewise, nuts were Daysi’s snack of choice and our household was always stocked with a wide selection. They came to feature prominently in our riding, if only because of the day I forgot to pack them. 

On our first 60 mile ride I worked out a route that gave us four hours on the bike without a bunch of elevation. We started in Hardwick and then worked our way out to Route 16 through that long gentle climb and down into Glover on our way to Irasburg. This was ideal tandem territory. We had been training well and the miles melted under us. It was a glorious, hot summer day, and we were on roads with very little traffic. Riding doesn’t get better. 

By the time we headed south on Route 14 in the valley beyond Irasburg we had put the biggest climb of the day behind us and were over halfway through our loop. The heat started to wear us down. Perhaps we had been spoiled by spending too much time in the shaded paradise of the dirt roads. I had not realized this stretch of road was so exposed.

I had set the turn towards Wolcot as an objective, and I knew we were getting close. I called back to tell Daysi we should look for a rest spot after that. Eager came agreement came from the back. The turn took us up a mere quarter mile of moderate grade. On fresh legs, this would be no big deal, but we were dragging. I doubt that I took us into the very easiest gears, but I also doubt that I missed them by much. Rounding the corner at the top of the hill we were dismayed to find wide open fields for as far as we could see. 

“Seriously, what the fuck?” It popped out of my mouth. 

Daysi looked over my shoulder, and I moved to the drop bars so she could see better. There was no tree within a hundred yards of road in any direction other than behind us. 

“I don’t see any place to stop. Are we still in Vermont?” 

I snorted. “Do you want to stop anyway?” 

“No, I want some shade.” Wise woman.

A mile or two later we came across a young maple that a homeowner had planted in their yard. It was not exactly a roadside tree, but neither was it so close to the house that we felt overly uncomfortable about invading private property. That the homeowner was mowing his lawn did nothing to dissuade us from dashing to the tree and contorting ourselves into the meager shade. 

She grabbed my pack. “Where are the nuts?”

“Nuts?” 

“Yeah, the nuts. We always bring nuts.”

I struggled to think of a constructive response. “Um, I didn’t realize that.” 

“I left a bag on the counter.”

“Um. I didn’t see it.” 

“So what did you bring?” 

“The banana we had at our last stop.” 

Silence.

“Well, I figured we could stop at the stores like we usually do.” 

“Where was the last store?”

“Probably Craftsbury.”

“We didn’t stop.” 

It’s never a good sign when your partner is stating the obvious. “No, we were rolling great back there.”

“Where is the next store?” 

“Um. I don’t know.” “...I know there’s something in Hardwick”

“That’s where we started.” 

“Yes.” 

“How much further?” 

“Probably less than 20 miles.” 

She rummaged through my pack just to make sure she hadn’t missed anything and then double checked her own. 

We had plenty of water. 

She may trust me with the brakes but I will be forever second guessed about the adequacy of our food supplies. 

The owner’s lawn tractor and the miniscule dimensions of our shade patch prevented me from dozing, but I suspect that a grumbling tummy is what kept her awake. We leaned lazily beside each other wishing to conjure a breeze that might cut the heat. We were no more successful in that effort than in forcing food to materialize. Despite our my failures, the break gave us enough of a recharge to get back on HAHA and burn through the rest of our miles. 

Turning left on Route 15 I made the mistake of announcing that we were on the last stretch back to Hardwick. Technically it was the last turn but calling out “final stretch” misrepresented the remaining miles. Once I realized my mistake I tried to temper expectations, but the truth was that I had underestimated the remaining distance even in my own head. To make matters worse, this section of Route 15 was one of the few roads in the Northeast Kingdom that I didn’t enjoy riding. The road was wide enough that shade was hard to find but the shoulders were in such disrepair that it was hard to create a comfortable distance from the traffic racing by. The unremarkable scenery was complimented by several closed businesses and a few fully abandoned buildings. This was one of the many areas in the Northeast Kingdom where the economy was even harsher than the terrain. Most of the remaining establishments looked like they were barely surviving –– a landscape in unfortunate synchronicity with our state of mind. Across those final miles even I was hungry and dragging. 

Hardwick today is a dynamic community experimenting with farm to table dining, community theater, and many other innovations. Hardwick back then, was deeply mired in the very problems it tackles so boldly today. By the time we made it back to our car, Daysi was ravenous. Her hunger, however, didn’t dim our sense of accomplishment. This was officially the longest ride we had ever done together. We added a bit of swagger to our slow, hunched movements as we unfolded off of the bike and returned our feet to the ground. 

Sometimes in life we get exactly what we ask for. 

At the gas station where we had left the car we found a sandwich counter. The limited options were spelled out in black plastic lettering on the lined, white plastic background –straight out of a 50’s diner. Apparently the letters themselves were no longer in production because several were missing. Likewise, the pleasant woman behind the counter highlighted a couple of items supported by sufficient letters but lacking in the required ingredients. Really, that was all okay, we were in no condition to be making choices. Both of us settled on a ham and cheese sandwich and then collapsed into a booth with two cold sodas. What arrived at the table was two slices of supermarket ham and a yellow cheese square slapped between synthetic white bread that looked more extruded than baked and tossed over a sheet of wax paper into a plastic basket. 

Oh shit! This just might be the end. I glanced nervously up at my wife to find her hunched over the basket with the sandwich already in her mouth. I froze. She threw her head back, eyes closed, “Wow. This is the BEST SANDWICH EVER!” Even the woman behind the counter turned to stare.

buy me a coffee

It was late afternoon on an average sort of summer day. Even before we hit the small knoll into Plainfield I could tell something was off. It’s hard to hide on a tandem. Today she was unusually quiet. Equally telling: there was a slight lag in her upstroke and a reluctance to catch the higher cadences I offered. By the time we attacked the knoll I had resolved to ask what’s going on, but I waited until we cleared the short hill on the other side of town. Past that climb we had a few miles of gentle rollers. 

After breathing stabilized and as I tightened the gears, I called back, “What’re you thinking about back there?” 

There was usually a pause. I didn’t mind waiting. My eyes were on the road. Green hills rose above and fields sparkled in the river valley on either side of us. 

 “I am worried about Ariel.” 

Our children were a frequent topic when we were in HAHA time. Ariel, our oldest daughter, was into the first phases of adolescence and confronting all of the related risks and pressures. The influences of one friend in particular worried us. While Daysi and I found common ground in the fears we shared, our instincts about how to help ran in opposite directions. My wife usually wanted to clamp down while I was inclined to step back and open up. The more worried we were, the more tightly we held onto our preferences. 

She talked through a recent incident. I asked some questions. We were already accustomed to the deep privacy of our rides. All that we needed was that specific glance at the dinner table for a subject to be taken out of circulation and hung beside the helmets and gloves. By the time I broached the subject we were a mere 25 minutes into a 2 hour ride. There was nothing but sweat and heavy breathing on the agenda for the next 90 minutes. Ariel was not standing behind us waiting for an answer about a sleep over. Her little sister wasn’t lingering in the doorway. I didn’t need to get my point across so that I could get back to a business call or out to the garden, or, or, or –– I wasn’t going anywhere that took me more than 24 inches from my wife. 

This day I asked a couple of more questions. In part, I was stalling. We were about to turn onto the biggest climb of the ride. By habit, we stopped at the flower garden just after the turn but before the hill. The stop itself required a change in topic. I spoke up to confirm that we would be stopping, and that I would loosen up the gears. The garden had a variety of lily that wasn't doing well at our place and they were mixed with columbines in a combination we had never considered. The next 40 minutes were completely consumed in the exertion of the climb, and for 15 minutes after that only whistling wind filled our ears. 

By the time we hit the next section of flats all of my “Yeah, but…” responses had burned away. I had spent the last hour sitting with the fears I hold. They had been ground through 3 miles of dirt road climbing, dragged alongside the pristine pond where we catch a quick break, brought over the unimpressive crest of the ridge and buried beneath the hunt for potholes and rocks that is part of any descent. In every instant of that hour my wife is present. I feel her in my quads. I hear the labor of her breathing. Of course, we talked across that hour but it was in the clipped transactions of effort and beauty. “Rough spot, up here,” I huffed. “Look at the heron,” she said. “Water lilies are going by,” I noted. “Lots of cars at the store today,” she observed.

Maybe enough had been said about our daughter’s situation for this day. Perhaps it was enough for Daysi to share what she had seen and explain what it meant to her. There was no lag in her cadence. Her silences now felt more a part of the ride instead of apart from it. Let this thing be. My fear was a shade of darkness that has a hard time resisting the heat, salt, and fluffy clouds of a summer afternoon. Like so much of what was going on in our lives, the bigger issue ran deeper than any one event. With a bit of reflection it was harder to see the urgency and easier to see the deeper pattern of our daughter’s growth. 

I chose to speak. Of course, I had some lingering suggestions about what we should do but those mattered less than the emotion behind them. My deeper anxiety was that the world would try to break my child before she was equipped to defend herself and the realization that this was already happening in ways that I couldn’t even see much less understand. I was pinned in the hope that she would figure out how to carve her path through it all, and the absolute certainty that neither Daysi nor I could save her from this struggle. The best we could do was to offer help, and the best help we could come up with was some mix of guardrails and the open road. 

We had two more significant hills still on the ride, and one delicious paved descent where we tucked into all the velocity gravity could give us. In each we gave our voices over to the ride –– oxygen relinquished to lungs and legs. We fought: gravity, pain, doubt. If only for this instant, in this tiny, arbitrary, and self-inflicted trial we triumphed –– together. 

We ended the ride with no clearer action plan than we had started. HAHA time had a funny way of eroding action plans, and yet the best options were always a bit clearer. Understanding was written across the landscape. We had just spent two hours in sync. Foot to foot. Thigh to thigh. We both said our piece. The details would work themselves out later. 

buy me a coffee

Commitment 202600419

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Not a cloud in the sky. The road was a dark line through a white world. With projectile-type intensity the hot Spring sun ricochetted across the landscape adding brightness to brilliance; immolation of winter in a single afternoon.  With just our bike shorts and light jackets, we were still overdressed when we flew across the flats on our way out to Middlesex. Wreckage of the long winter was everywhere across the roads –– potholes, frost heaves, and a few sections that seemed entirely beyond redemption. There was a lot of Butt Up time to interrupt our cadence. We didn’t care in the least. Neither did all the other riders who scurried out onto the roads like lycra-clad roaches into the promised land of a greasy city diner. 

This was our first ride of the season at the end of a winter that started late and would not quit. The skiing had been wonderful, but we were ready to roll. We had planned the ride as a short jaunt out to Middlesex. We felt too good, and tacked on another five miles out towards Moretown before reluctantly turning around. 

This ride was the official launch of our second HAHA season. At that time, I was still in the training cycle for my second attempt at the Vermont City Marathon. This year my choices were harder. There were not a lot of nice days in April and early May, but when a bright day lined up with my wife’s availability, the running shoes stayed in the corner. My DNF (Did Not Finish) in the marathon that year was most attributable to my desire to ‘go fast or go home.’ I had set a target of doing it at 8:30/mi pace, but I had not trained hard enough to sustain it. At mile 19, I dropped out. Blaming my failure on HAHA seduction is an exaggeration, but it was among the factors that got in the way. 

Despite missing my goal, I enjoyed the training. A target date and a paid fee as proof of commitment gave me the excuse to move training up on my priority list. Motivation was rarely a problem. ‘Training’ in Vermont almost always felt more like celebration than discipline. If anything ever got in the way (other than weather) it was my own poor planning and prioritization. Email, client issues, parenting logistics, meal preparation and even weeding the garden were all threats that had to be managed through planning and discipline.

Meanwhile, on HAHA Daysi and I slipped smoothly back into our groove we had left at the end of our first season and happily clocked 25 mile rides within just a couple of weeks. We had both spent a lot of the winter out on snow; especially cross-country skiing. Daysi came into the season stronger, but her physical fitness was only one dimension of the change I saw. 

My wife showed concerning symptoms of the mental toughness that I associate with endurance. We started that season pushing pretty hard but the comments about her sore ass, hands, and legs only came at the end of the ride and almost always with a smile. Communication about pauses in peddling to shake out her hands or lift her butt off the seat now came as declarations instead of as requests. Likewise, I felt her assertion through the drivetrain when she pushed to raise or lower the cadence in keeping with her needs. This woman was no longer shy about throwing her leg over the bar and clipping in. 

Family circumstances had also evolved. Ariel was now 13 and Sofia was about to turn 9. They fought as only sisters can, but leaving them together in the house for a couple of hours no longer felt like gross negligence. Advances in cell phone technology helped reduce our anxiety. We kept Daysi’s phone in the back of my hydro pack. She could answer quickly and easily without even needing to slow down. We were ready to take the HAHA affair to the next level –– from now on we might not always be home before the bus, dinner might still need to be stuck in the oven, and we might disappear for an hour or two on Saturday morning. Other priorities were allowed to slip just a little further. 

I began to wonder. As I wondered, I continued to watch the signs. One evening after an especially vigorous sprint on the flats by the creemee stand, she stood and twisted from side to side in a prolonged stretch. “Que rico!” she sighed before landing beside me on the couch. The kids were in bed (or at least in their bedrooms). The time had come for me to work up the courage. 

Her hand was on the remote, raised and about to push the button, “Hey, hang on a minute.” 

“What?” she squinted at me.

Best to just dive in, “What if we did a century ride together?” 

“On HAHA?”

“Of course.” 

She dropped her hand. The remote was back on the couch; her head to one side, “What would that involve?”

“You mean other than a lot of time staring at my ass?” 

She laughed, “You know I don’t mind that.”

I sketched out the basic outline of a training plan. We would need to ride 3-4 times a week together and start doing at least one longer ride each week; working our way up to a couple of 80 mile rides before the event. 

“What about the girls?” 

“They seem to be doing okay on their own these days. Maybe we need to get a babysitter for the really big days.” 

She thought for a moment. “I am not strong enough to do that.” 

I was ready for that one, “Me either. …right now. That’s why we train.” 

She sat for another moment. I knew the look well enough to realize that I was being sized up. I awaited the verdict. She smiled, “Let’s do it.” 

And so began a great experiment in marital dynamics. 

My first instinct was to put my wife on my training calendar. That didn’t work so well. Unfortunately Daysi is not the early morning lover that I am. Nor does she share my hyper efficiency. With the right preparation the night before, I can go from pillow to on-the-road in under 20 minutes. Getting Daysi from the end of breakfast to on-the-bike required an absolute minimum of 45 minutes. Despite these realities she made several honest efforts to roll out of bed when my alarm sounded at 5:00am. No shower. No breakfast. “I at least need a glass of juice,” she protested, and I went to the fridge. I did my best to look busy while she fumbled through 20 minutes with her contact lenses. 

“The great thing about being on the back,” I heard behind me one morning, “is that I don’t need to keep my eyes open.” 

“As long as the legs are spinning,” I replied. 

My unfounded fears of Ariel falling asleep on the trail-a-bike came back to haunt me. 

We needed to fit most of our riding into the prime hours of the long summer days and I adjusted my work schedule accordingly. Our most common week-day ride was the same route I used out to Marshfield and up over the mountains into East Calais. At just under two hours we found ways to squeeze it into our days. We always took a break in Marshfield to rest our butts before heading up the three-mile climb. The keepers of the small flower garden at the last bit of level ground managed to produce blooms through the entire season and coaxed more bounty of columbines than I have ever managed. Once saddled back up, I had just enough time to shift us into the absolute easiest gears for the long meander through woods and fields, past ponds, dilapidated barns and a large cemetery. Few cars traveled that section of dirt. The labor of our breathing, gentle chain rattle, and the occasional gossip of leaves chattering in the breeze were our only company. We had strength to talk in a couple of places where the grade lessened but rarely did. After the long climb we fell off of the mountain back onto Route 14 for a couple of moderate ascents before the final hard right onto Town Hill Road. It began with a 90 degree turn that prevented us from carrying in any momentum, and then threw us into a steep grade through open fields that baked in the afternoon sun.   

We rode that hill so often that I knew the exact shift points and every quirk of both the pavement in front of me and the woman behind. One hundred feet into the corner where the grade eased I was pretty much guaranteed to catch her muttering the refrain of “Dancing Queen”, I am having the time of my life… and I’d know it had been a good ride. 

We had a lot of good rides on that hill. Though it never lost its nemesis status, the pain became familiar and oddly comfortable. It was that last push at the end of a session –– the final moments of any day where we would be so tightly bound, her breathing so close, and our responsibilities so clear – just help each other over a rise. 

We persisted. Over that summer and for each of the next two we participated in an organized century ride. None of the events were easy, but they were each a victory lap to celebrate all the work needed to get there. We were always the only tandem. The curiosity, encouragement, and occasional wonder of our fellow riders was endearing. True to what my training experience had already shown me, the events mattered less than the training. In each case I felt like we were just dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s of a poem that had already been written.

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While Daysi and I spent the most time on HAHA, she wasn’t exclusively an adult toy. 

Our youngest daughter, Sofi, had graduated to riding her own bike –– barely. We did a few terrifying rides with her on her own wheels. There was one on the bike paths outside of Stowe where we pushed the limits of parental responsibility. She made it but was unsteady enough that I worried about the safety of other riders. Parental anxiety at an all time high, I watched her fall so far to the left that her knee was about to scrape the pavement. I stood up, ready to dismount and sift through the wreckage when she cranked up her peddling cadence and, by sheer centrifugal will power, managed to straighten the bicycle. 

Another divine intervention happened out on Route 2. We were doing one of those early spring rides before road crews began to repair winter damage. In yet another failure of parental judgment, I thought she understood the danger of potholes. Paroxysm of parental agony; I saw my child fly over her handlebars in perfect superman position, a flat out belly flop onto the pavement –– no tuck, no roll –– not the least inkling of self preservation. The bike followed her arc and bounced off of her back before falling off to the side of the road. I threw down my bike and leapt to collect the remains of my child. Broken jaw? What do you do about road rash on someone’s face? She started to stand even before I got to her, a bit dusty, but completely unscathed. Not even the elbows of her jacket were damaged. We dusted her off, and headed for the creemee stand. Whatever the karmic debt incurred for this miracle, I paid willingly. 

Needless to say, longer trips with our accident-prone eight-year-old were unlikely to be either wise or fun. Fortunately, the rear compartment of HAHA was remarkably flexible. With the seat completely lowered and the handlebars adjusted, Sofi could be comfortable back there. 

Unlike her more taciturn sister who had accompanied me on the trail-a-bike through the suburban roads of Stamford, Connecticut, the young Sofi was a raging extrovert. Unleashed on the back of HAHA, she was a non-stop stream of verbal activity. My participation was not optional. The declared No Talking Zones on especially steep pitches did little to dampen her enthusiasm. And unlike the trail-a-bike where I had only an approximate idea of how much pedaling was happening on the back, HAHA’s tight drivetrain told me precisely how little power was coming from my so-called stoker. 

None-the-less, she was an unflaggingly cheerful cycling companion who loved the woods and all of the creatures in them. On the many days when I was looking for both a killer workout and a large dose of optimism, we’d head out on the dirt roads together. 

An especially infamous ride came towards the end of our third summer in Vermont. Daysi and I were in the budding phase of our HAHA love affair. Ariel, while not an avid cyclist, was inherently strong. We decided to do a more adventurous family ride direct from our house out past Middlesex. This added about 10 miles and some 800 ft of elevation to the usual family distance. Most of that elevation was packed into the final 5 miles of the return trip. We worked our way up the gradually intensifying pull on Main Street that covered most of a mile, around the steep left hand corner and then continued the grind for another ½ mile along Town Hill Road. This was a significant accomplishment for Daysi riding solo. 

The happy babble from the stoker’s seat reminded me that I was decidedly not solo on this particular climb. Whatever minuscule quota of lung-sucking-quads-on-fire-No-Talking time I was allocated had apparently expired. On the steepest part of the corner I interrupted her. 

“Sofi” I gasped, “Pedal!” 

“Okay Daddy, here I go.” … “How’s that?” 

I felt a small surge. 

“That enough?” “Daddy!?” “Daddy!?” 

Clearing the corner I found enough breath to huff, “Keep peddling” 

“Okay!” “This is a big hill!” “Did you see the cardinal on the fence? It is so bright red.” “Daddy!?” 

It’s hard to imagine any 1.5 miles ever being longer. At the crest we got a break dropping down No Boyfriend Hill and climbing a short roller that was the last elevation before our driveway. My legs were shot. My lungs were shot. There was nothing in the tank. We zipped down a small grade, turned right on Gallison and rolled across the short distance down Wheeler Road. I dropped into my absolutely easiest gears to prepare for the steep gravel climb up our driveway. 

“Ready hijita,” I called back. 

“Sure!” inhale? “This has been a really fun ride.” 

We have begun the climb. 

“Go Mommy! Go!” she called out to Daysi just off to our right. 

I was scraping the bottom –every fiber of lungs and legs on fire. My arms started to hurt from the power of my tuck over the handlebars. 

“Daddy?!” “Daddy!?” 

Just keep that foot coming around. 

“DADDY!? Talk to me Daddy! Talk to me!” 

I could neither laugh nor cry. A single ragged gasp escaped, “PEDDLE!”. 

In front of the garage, I collapsed over the handlebars. 

“Yay, we made it!” I felt her dismount and come up to pat my arm. “You’re all sweaty!” 

Finally, I had enough oxygen to fuel the faintest trickle of laughter.

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The heat was omnipresent but the full punch of the August sun only hit us through gaps in the canopy. The leaves above chattered in breezes that never reached us on the ground as nothing more than tepid puffs. Daysi shifted into the easiest gears and settled into the long spin up Bliss Road into East Montpelier. Most newbies are so infatuated with power that patience has no place in how they confront a route. The simple Newtonian logic of cycling gives no advantage to speed. No matter how rendered, it is the cyclist's job to cash in biological calories for the magnificent prize of putting a heavy thing just a little higher in the world. Potential energy rises. Physical energy fades. Psychic energy falters. The bigger bites of harder gears might look better in lycra, but they give no actual advantage. I marveled how easily she accepted these truths. Even more than with the hill, she was patient with herself, and not ashamed of her novitiate status. My wife has a gift for grasping things I have learned very slowly, if at all. 

I left the girls at the top of the hill and doubled back to cheer her on. I found her humming a tune through the scratchy labor of her breathing.  

“You go on with the girls,” she spit out in a quick gasp.  

“Its a family ride,” I reminded her.  

She kept spinning. The girls were ready to move by the time she reached the top of the hill.  I dropped my foot to pause with her.  I bit down on the valve of my water pack while she pulled out her water bottle. The mosquitos zeroed in on her as quickly as the black flies swarmed me in May, “Let’s go.” she called. The kids knew to wait for us at the next stop sign.  

We hadn’t reached this point through good luck or even just grace. We had dedicated many quiet evenings talking through how we wanted to be outdoors together and as a family. I had learned to let family expeditions stand alone with their own kind of magic. They met my nearly pathological need to get out. In exchange, she accepted that I was content going slower or doubling back. Out on the cross country ski trails or riding on dirt roads these were easy compromises but on pavement there was a bigger difference between our paces and doubling back was sometimes dangerous. All of this meant that our riding together, fell into a limited range. We were willing to work within those limits, but didn’t mind pushing against them too. 

***

At the end of our second summer in Vermont Daysi and I received the gift of a long weekend escape. On a prior trip to Montreal with the girls we had seen heavy tourist tandem bikes cruising the trails beside the river and had somehow decided that this experience would be a reasonable test of our marriage. By this time we had done enough family riding that we came equipped –– lycra, helmets and gloves. We intended to make a day of it. I had a loose route mapped out that would get us out of the downtown and into some of the less trafficked sections of the island. 

On a beautiful August day, we dropped into a bike rental stand on the edge of the touristy historic district, and emerged on a clunky cruiser whose gross tonnage probably exceeded my first car. The saddles were tourist-type cushy, and wider than I would like, but the gears moved smoothly and the brakes had enough grip. Riding with Dad I had been on the back of a tandem a few times, but this was my first experience as the captain. I had never felt the responsibility of having someone behind me or the challenge of getting such a long piece of metal through traffic, tight bike-trail corners, or pedestrian throngs. Daysi had never been on the back of tandem (AKA, the stoker), so I have reason to believe she was nervous too. 

My anxiety ticked up a notch as I peered into the thick crowd of meandering tourists who looked in every direction except where they were walking. I summoned whatever understanding I retained from riding behind Dad, checked the gearing to make sure it was loose enough to start, and remembered the challenge of coordinating the starting strokes. I waited for a promising gap in the crowd. “Ready?” I called out… “1-2-3” downstroke. Butts on seats. Wobble. Wobble. Don’t kill pedestrians! We are moving!? 

There were enough gaps in the crowd and enough well-defined bike lanes for us to advance without many complete stops. Keep the gears loose! When we slowed to a near stop I was surprised that the bike remained just as stable as my solo wheels. Even when we needed to drop a foot, the movement flowed easily. We paused. Waited for a gap. “Ready? 1-2-3”, downstroke. Wobble. Wobble. This was less terrifying than I had feared. 

Ten minutes of excessive caution and a few polite “Excuse me!” calls got us out of the thickest crowds. I kept a thumb on the bike bell to give us space and tightened the gears. Cadence emerged of its own accord. Stable and cruising, this seemed all too easy. Encouraged, we settled onto the trail that ran alongside the Saint Lawrence river and aimed for the western tip of the Island. As tourists we stopped frequently to catch the sights along the St. Lawrence, even more frequently to consult the maps and occasionally doubled back to correct my navigational errors. 

Both bike and pedestrian traffic thinned but we were rarely alone. We found a soft rhythm and a sense of ease diffused into the hours. The frequent pauses to work out navigation were part of our flow and the easy terrain gave us the chance to practice tandem starts with little risk. “Ready? 1-2-3” Downstroke. Wobble. Wobble. At least the wobbles now swept across smaller arcs, and lasted for only a few pedal strokes. 

Talking was easy. The distance between us was less than we had ever managed on our independent bikes. I had no worries about slowing down or catching up to have a conversation. I didn’t have to pull up beside, check to see if I was blocking someone behind or dodge oncoming cyclists. Though we were not pushing either of our physical limits, gentle fatigue lent the slightest tang of common enterprise to our progress. 

I am sure that the rest of our weekend was also lovely, but that ride was the unambiguous highlight. I don’t recall if we returned to evaluate the cost of a tandem, nor if we were raving about the experience at family gatherings, but that Christmas Dad and Leslie presented us with a slender envelope that held a fat surprise. We had an appointment to get measured for a tandem at our local store, Onion River, so that they could order the bike and get it set up before Spring.

*** 

Our first ride on the new bike fell on a bright, warm spring day. As was only appropriate, we had selected Route 2 into Middlesex as our route. The “Tandem thing” had evolved from a lark into a serious investment, and I was feeling the pressure as we mounted up in the shop parking lot. “Ready? 1-2-3” Downstroke. Butts on seats. Wobble. And we were out on the road. Stop sign. Keep the gears loose. “Ready? 1-2-3” Left turn. Next stop sign. “Ready? 1-2-3” We caught a green light at the edge of town, and the open road was ours. 

This was no tourist shop junker. We were on a bright blue, aluminum beauty, drop bars in front and 32 mm road tires paired with extra large disc rotors – designed to roll. We were also equipped with a clever shock-absorbing seat post that minimized the impact of bumps into the stoker’s cockpit. The rough spring pavement just outside of town demonstrated the brilliance of this feature. 

Clever engineering, however, was not enough to negate the trauma of raw spring pavement. Leaving town I heard two gasps of surprise and discomfort in quick succession. 

“I need some warning,” she said. 

“Yep. We are going to have to get off the seats for some of this crud.” I looked ahead at an especially forlorn piece of pavement where the shoulder has already started to slide down the berm. 

“Get ready. Get up.” I called back. 

In the act of standing, the reality of being clipped into a single drive train was moved from a conceptual thing to a question of ligaments and muscles.  Neither of us could move without the other’s permission, and one person decision to stop peddling locked the knees of the other. On this first attempt, I think we were just lucky to get away with it but I made note. We settled back on the seats and began to spin. We got up over the pedals again, just in time to make it through another rough patch.

This was too complicated for the variability of Spring pavement. The difference between an actual threat and normal jiggles was not always clear when we were among the patchwork of so many repairs and fresh winter damage. Sometimes, I could make out a threat only in the last seconds. Four words was too many. “Ow!” again. I began to experiment with warning calls. My third(?) variation was a short, clear call, “Butt Up!” That worked. More subtly, I also worked out how to freeze my legs in place without contradicting her efforts. We ended up in a stable platform, right foot forward, and knees flexed to let the impact flow through the muscles of our legs instead of the bones in our butts. This quick call and the unspoken entanglement of our legs fit easily into our rhythm. Every once in a while I was surprised by some asphalt feature that delivered more impact than I had anticipated, but even on this first day, failures were rare. 

When we reached the first of our two mild climbs, I dropped us through the gears to find one that fit. We knew when I found it. The grade increased. I slipped up one more gear in the rear cluster, hit the crest, and then geared down. “Butt up” I called out for the descent. With our asses in the air, and bumps consumed by the flex our legs, we could appreciate the stability of the bike. At the base, we lowered our butts back onto the saddles and began to spin. I felt around for the gear that gave the right level of resistance and we fell back into cadence. The fidelity of the non verbal communication was startling. Every shift in weight, perspective, or spirit flowed directly into my body. I was literally strapped to my wife. 

“How’s life back there?” 

“This is great!” I was cheered by her enthusiasm. 

I didn’t really want to turn back at Middlesex, but this was enough for our first test drive, and the three way intersection gave us plenty extra room to swing a u-turn through such a long wheel base.  

“Can you see if I am clear to turn?” I requested. 

I corrected for her lean to the left as she twisted to look over her shoulder and then swung us around. Already some of the conscious efforts and fears about sharing this single set of wheels with my wife had faded into the background and the ride itself was coming into focus. On the return, we were granted the first mild taste of what it might mean to take this creature on the flats. Over the years we’ve had many people declare emphatically that tandems are too slow. The only possible justification for this (incorrect) assertion can be found in the climbs where gravity is more of a master than wind resistance. Everywhere else, physics favors the tandem. The stoker is almost perfectly placed to hide from the consequences of increasing wind resistance. The extra power flows to both riders. We got our first taste of these equations as the familiar flats melted away. 

Approaching the creemee stand on the edge of town I initiated something that became a tradition for us. “Days,” I called back, “Let’s see what we can do on this thing.”

“Okay.” 

“From creemee stand to the stop light. You in?”

“Do I have a choice?” 

“Ha, of course” On a tandem it is easier to veto than vote. 

Passing the stand, I tightened a gear and poured every ounce of effort through my quads and into the downstroke. I felt Daysi’s power flow through my pedals and the machine surged forward. I cut another gear. And another. I didn’t need to check any device to know our cadence was now over 90 or that my power was barely sustainable. We had 1.5 miles from stand to stoplight –– plenty of time for the lactic fires to consume us. Within seconds there was enough air rushing past my ears that I could no longer hear her breathing. I didn’t need to. Here, at maximum capacity, I found a tight and exceedingly subtle call and response between the fibers within us. Whenever there was the least bit of doubt coming through her stroke my quads redoubled on their downstroke and the next revolution was restored to full power. When I started to fade into the pain, the exhortation of her force burst through the chain. My quads replied. 

Were I on my road bike this sprint would end in the single pedal stroke when I met the goal or the pain won, but the tandem unwound gently. Whoever let up first was really just asking a question. If the offer was accepted, the other person also dropped their power. We were so tightly bound, that even stopping required each to be aware of the other.  I caught my first insight into the constant call and response between bodies bound together. 

***

We were still in that stage of life where parental logistics could be complicated. Our weekly date nights required a babysitter and escaping during a weekend meant we had to find child care. “Chiquita, why don’t you guys go play at your friend’s house,” was a common suggestion to our daughters. My work schedule, however, granted us certain days when we could sneak out of the house during the week. Here the brilliant engineering of our rig was fully revealed. Beefy wheels, oversized discs, and that clever shock absorber in the stoker seat post meant that all of the dirt roads outside of our door were not just survivable but entirely pleasant riding.

There was something deliciously naughty about these mid-week rides. Escaping from our responsibilities, out, alone on nearly empty dirt roads –– moving through the dappled sunlight and rustling leaves –– dropping into the descents “Butt Up” and peeling through the gears on sudden steeps. No adults required. At times we chattered away and at others we got lost in the gentle sounds surrounding us; breeze, birds, cicadas, crickets and squirrels blended with the low rattle of turning chains. Who wanted to go back? Our afternoon quickies gradually became more strategic. We found ourselves planning the next day’s route after the kids were in bed. The opportunistic gaps in my work calendar were occasionally supplemented with hard blocks of time marked “unavailable”. 

The post ride glow, that pervasive sense of peace and well being, was now something that I shared with my partner. I could see it in the flush of her cheeks, and I felt it in the way she settled on the couch beside me. There was profound equality in the work that we did together. In the absolute physical measurement of force, I was undoubtedly stronger, but it was the very essence of the tandem that we could only go as far as our combined strength allowed. We gained power together not so that one could pedal harder than the other, but so that both could go further –– that we both might spend yet more time in that sacred, sweaty bubble. 

The logistics of life and work prevented us from getting out on many days, but there were also plenty when we were hoofing it to get home before the school bus arrived (or at least not long after). Like any good affair, we showed up suspiciously disheveled and slightly concerned about how we might smell in public places, invented excuses for why dinner might be late and showed up at teachers conferences a bit overly clean and Daysi’s hair suspiciously wet. No orgasms were involved (at least I can speak for myself.) but this was a deeply physical and intimate experience. It was our protected space –flagrantly personal and self absorbed right there in the middle of any given day. 

This lithe machine needed a name. It didn’t take long to work out the equation. On the bike we were both just a couple of Happy Asses. Happy Ass x 2. Politely abbreviated to HAHA. To further declare the boundaries of our sacred space, we denied any explanation of what HAHA might stand for. When our children asked, we said, “We’ll tell you when you are older.” As soon as we had done that, we knew that the explanation could not be whispered to anyone else without violating their trust. They would both be in their twenties before the truth was revealed. And so HAHA became the dirty little secret that we could flaunt right out in public –our tryst, secreted away on the grand climbs and bomber hills of shady dirt roads. 

Over the course of the years, I have been blessed to receive many material gifts. Some are a nexus of treasured memories. A few are among the handful of physical items I actually care about. HAHA is the only one that changed my life.

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Constellations 

“Hey Nick, you remember the storm that caught us on the way into Stowe?” Grampa’s single glass of chardonnay was more than enough lubricant for the holiday dinner conversation to take this familiar turn. My dad grabbed his own glass and leaned back with a smile, “I sure do.” The storm had come down on them more than 30 years ago, and they had ridden through just as they had on so many other days. Rain, heat, wind, hills, bad drivers, worse pavement, grating gears, and rubbing brakes were the stuff of those days. They were the grit and grind that lingered in the background of so much green and fathomless blues, infinite skies and endless miles that trivialized all the most common sorts of sense, that made flesh forget humility, that urged forward, further –– always further. I had been with them on more than a few of those hard, brilliant days. That Dad had been Grampa’s ex-son-in-law for more than 25 years was a minor detail when measured against these memories. Dad’s third wife, her sister’s family, my younger brothers, and assorted family friends were all happy to jump into the conversation. This was an unlikely menagerie with complicated histories but we all cherished the simplicity of pushing two wheels through Vermont hills. 

Despite twelve years of marriage, my wife had not fully appreciated how completely my childhood was tangled in spokes and chains. Even I, at 35 years old, was rediscovering how deeply the bike spoke to me. We had moved to Montpelier less than a year before, and the dirt roads welcomed our young family into adventures just as I had predicted, but I was surprised by how the pavement called to me.   

When Leslie, Dad’s wife, spoke across the table to tell Grampa that they were planning to do the Onion River century ride, she glanced my way. My last hundred mile day had been with Dad, more than 20 years ago. We had ridden from our house in Connecticut to Grammy and Grampa’s house in Montpelier. We had pulled more than 100 miles on each of the first two days. I was 11. After that glance, the roads, the hours, the wheels rose inside me and I made no effort to separate the buzz of quiet excitement from the wine’s gentle warmth. The conversation wandered on to other places. 

***

My second glass of port tottered over the indecorous remains of apple pie and a flourless chocolate cake even denser than my own muddy thoughts. Kids had scattered. Dishes and adults remained. The conversation ploughed, raucous, through books, movies, and neighborhood gossip. We sparkled in the joy of our ever increasing cleverness. The candles dripped and guttered. Each of us, just a little more liquid, pooled across the table. 

“Are you going to do it?” The words cut through the debate about which were the best Westerns of all time. Leslie looked at me. In any other circumstance, or from any other mouth, that line would have been a nonsequitur, but I knew exactly what she was talking about, and she knew that I would know. I looked at my wife who was already sitting outside the conversation’s main current, “Les is suggesting I join them for the Onion River Century ride this summer.” 

“You want to?” That she phrased her words as a sincere question surprised me enough to take some edge off of the port. I felt myself worthy of at least a little snark or subtle condescension. Was she really surprised by this? 

“Yeah,” was all I could manage. In fact, this was one of those unadmitted desires that had secretly crawled around the back of my head for a couple of months. I had nursed it with the same relish, and only slightly less shame, than the great romantic crushes of adolescence. Leslie already knew this was the dirty little Playboy hidden in my emotional bath room. My wife was kind enough to play along with my charade of innocence. 

“We can talk about it,” she said, but the tender look of bemused endearment already told me everything I needed to know. 

*** 

At the end of April, I opened the map kept at my desk and put Montpelier in the center of the space. Craftsbury, Glover, Elmore, Lake Willoughby, Craftsbury Commons: these were the legends of holiday dinner conversations. The names passed among the plates and splashed out of wine glasses, trafficked as the Vikings must have traded tales about Freya, Floki and Odin –– awash in laughter, a shade of debauchery and ample respect. With a moment’s concentration I found each name on the map, but I found no memories of these places rattling around my own skull. At first this bothered me. How had I betrayed these family memories? I stared at the map and thought a bit more. As a child all I had to do was follow the wheel in front of me. I never looked at the maps. Geography was defined by heat, the grade, the quality of the pavement, width of the shoulder and miles to the next creemee stand. Names were only brief flashes of white on green beside the road or phrases flowing among the adults around me. I smiled. What had first looked like betrayal was revealed as opportunity.

I took stock of these known points and considered their relationships to each other. In my mind's eye, I laid concentric rings over the map with rough estimates 40 mi, 50 mi, 60 mi, 80+. The main arteries were obvious enough that I could toss each name into a loose mental file organized according to my training plan. I worked backward from the target date, figuring I needed two 80+ mile rides prior to the event and I wanted to put two 60-70 mile rides under my belt prior to those. These would each consume the better part of a Saturday or Sunday. Prior to that, I’d work up to 50-mile weekend rides in addition to my regular 25-mile loop four days a week. Given weekend complications or some extra time, I could fit a few 50 milers into the long summer evenings during the week. I look up and out the window. A rough plan coalesced in the back of my brain. 

When I returned to the map it took a moment for my eyes to refocus. It had changed. There were so many names I did not know: Northfield, Williamstown, Albany, Woodbury, Roxbury. Every time I blinked I saw more. The main arteries that connected them were thick dark lines. I leaned in closer to some of these strangers and traced my fingers across fainter grey veins. The concentric circles faded as I leaned into this more subtle web. Loops, eights, zigs and zags appeared and then melted back into the paper when I shifted concentration to the next dot. 

I spent a lot of time looking at the map over the course of that summer. I found many patterns to fill the spaces between those dots. Was this what the Greeks saw in the night sky? I traced each line into miles, burned it in hours, and etched it in sweat. Each one filtered into memory. Some were edited into story, and a few repeated until elevated into my personal pantheon. This is where that storm caught me. Here I saw the bear. To look at the map was now as much about recounting as planning. As the folds in the paper got thinner I could run my fingers across the warmth of the known world right alongside the tingle of lines as yet unknown to my legs. 

I also started to use MapQuest on my computer. Between meetings I could fall into route planning the way some people described getting lost on eBay. A left here would add another 3 miles and 500 ft of elevation, while turning right would take me over to that lake I haven’t seen in a while, but going straight could be fun too. Most routes were not saved, but they still filled the maps with many layers of someday. The few selected for today came out of the printer with clearer turn-by-turn instructions than the paper maps ever gave me. Each sheet was folded into a handy zip-lock and tucked into my jersey. 

I was surprised by how often the crisp printouts of new routes led me into places soaked with a sense of the familiar. Riding into Hardwick put me on the southern edge of the Northeast Kingdom. It was the first town I hit heading north on Route 14 out of Montpelier. As such, it would have been the gateway for most of my childhood journeys into The Kingdom. I have no memory of any one of those family rides and yet on a random day of exploration I found myself spinning on 10-year-old legs at the bottom of the hill that led into the town. A sharp turn to the left threw me into a short, steep incline around a corner to the right where the hill leveled out at the edge of town. Some 20 miles from Montpelier, this was now a chance to get my butt out of the saddle for a few strokes instead of the punishing grind that haunted my childhood. Just past the crest, on the right, there was a hillside cemetery that sloped down a steep grassy bank to the sidewalk –– a perfect rest spot. The memory of placing my sore, young cheeks on that grass between my parents was crystalline, but there was no way I could thread this image into any specific ride. On future rides, I made it a point to plant myself here, more to sit among the memories than for want of a rest stop. 

Such moments of searing clarity were rare. More often I found only the misty texture of deja vu. I had no idea which impressions were synthetic creations of the moment, and which had some basis in experience. A few seemed to touch something even more fundamental than simple memory. Sure, I had seen the sun cut those exact shadows across a field, but was it this field? I took this precise angle around just such a corner. Was it this corner? The pitch of a climb, the bank of the road, tap of the rain, weight of heat, bite of cold, or clarity of air were familiar companions even if the place itself was unknown. The more I rode the more it seemed that the experience of riding was uncoupling from specific places and times. The supposed fidelity of a moment to a memory became somewhat slippery and slightly lascivious. The sensation of Lake Elmore burned though the hill outside Glover. The squint into Route 15 sun wrinkled my eyes in the instant I turned off of North Street. The dark bank of clouds that found me two weeks ago in Cabot was just now rolling into Moretown. 

The longer a ride the more familiar it became. Fatigue, doubt, lactic burn, stiffness across the shoulders, thirst could all transcend the ephemeral coordinates of space and time. I found these things tucked away in hidden corners of my body –– deeper than memory. One day the trigger was the smell of fresh cut hay. Then it was the rays of light through a distant storm. A particular vibration through the handlebars. The clattering grind of a missed shift. A lupine’s last flower. Unbidden, the sensations flowed into each ride. Through. Between. Among. 

On one especially hot day, I added Elmore to the itinerary as a way to make a bigger loop out of my trip to Hardwick. I was not completely naive. I had memories of climbing up to Lake Elmore with my Dad on his inaugural tandem ride some 12 years earlier, but I underestimated both the heat and the miles that lay between Hardwick and Elmore. I came into the heart of that climb running on empty. Thinking about the 15 miles and big climbs that loomed beyond Elmore pulled me into that familiar death spiral –– I am already this tired, I’ll never be able to: make that climb, go that distance, deal with the headwind. There was always a long line of applicants waiting to jump into the doom loop. I needed to focus. Crawl into that mental space where pain is so pervasive that it slips into the background. I took inventory of water and snacks. Death was unlikely. Therefore, this was doable. I retreated into my body. Only enough awareness remained to track road conditions and traffic. Let the legs do what the legs gotta do. 

It was this exact instant –– cresting the hardest part of the Elmore climb –– that crashed into my brain 20 years later in the mountains west of Toluca, Mexico. The squiggly blue line on my phone suggested a long gradual coast off of the high pass but instead delivered an endless series of steep plunges into high-altitude gullies and equally sharp climbs out. I was, once again, in full survival mode with even worse pavement than Route 12, and with just as little shade as on my journey through the Sierra Nevada in ’84. Different geographies. Different decades. Same place. 

On the Vermont roads, a ride with the kids mingled with the last time my Dad and I came through, sat atop a training ride, a hot day, that big rainstorm, Daysi beside me; Fall, Summer, and Spring, back and forth, up and down; child, teen, adult, husband, father; in different bodies I repeated these same simple movements. Over and over and over again. So many hours. So many miles. Deposited through so many years. Isn’t this how the dinosaurs died: crushed under the collective weight of eons? Suffocated. Buried alive. Have I been riding so long as to squeeze all novelty from the world? 

Where I might have expected calcification, stultification, rigidity, obsession or boredom, I, instead, found liberation. There was no settling of the weight. Nothing congealed. In this great accumulation I found a gentle unravelling. I am written across the landscape. Past, present and future selves exchange that faint cyclist greeting on these narrow shoulders – the slightest raise off a hand is all that we require. Every new mile is an eclectic reunion of trusted companions. Each mile retraced is a nod towards those yet ridden. 

buy me a coffee

A cool and breezy day in the first weeks of summer –– I was on the flats outside Plainfield, five miles into the ride and only now beginning to feel stable on the narrow wheels of this road machine. Hands on the tops of the bars, I settled into cadence. Green beside. Blue above. Air whistled faintly across me –– a cool touch that held back the sun’s heat. At the base of a small rise I made a flip decision to stand instead of shifting to easier gears. The force of my weight over each pedal bit the pavement; a surprising surge of power. In three quick rotations I launched over the knoll. “Oooh hoo,” I chuckled to myself. Momentum spoke. I tightened the gears, dropped my butt back on the saddle, shifted hands to the drops, pointed toes and summoned the thighs. The bike responded. I upped the cadence to find that first slight lactic thigh-burn, dropped my shoulders and leaned into a deeper tuck. I eased up short of maximum effort and held my pace across the mile that separated me from Plainfield. Breath came hard, but the smile was easy. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. 

On the other side of Plainfield I found more open road, settled back into any easy cadence and reflected on how foolish I had been to think that I should give up road riding. For a moment, I stood back in the entrance of that shed in Pacifica, deep in shadow against the hillside on the back corner of our small lot. The aluminum sheeting was once white but now well camouflaged by dust and detritus from the young Redwood above it. The moving truck was due to arrive in three days, and the main rooms had been put far enough into boxes for me to know what remained to be done. It was time to crawl into all those forgotten closets and hidden corners to look for the surprises that derail moving timelines and budgets. 

I waved away cobwebs and let my eyes adjust to the shadows. Beyond the lawn mower and above assorted hand tools hung the remains of my Cannondale road bike. Despite the darkness and through the dust I could see the flaky umber of rusted chainrings and the curl of rotted tires. I dragged it out into the light and ran my work glove across the top tube. A chaotic mix of dings and scratches showed gray against the dull black paint. Even now the pattern was familiar. Despite the dust I still saw them shimmering under the film of sweat that fell over those long, hot climbs. Aluminum doesn’t rust, but there was nothing worth saving here. I set it by the trash bins, ready for collection. 

Preparing for this, our fourth, cross-country move I was overwhelmed by how much stuff a family of four could accumulate. Immediately after we got married, Daysi and I drove from Vermont to Portland, Oregon, with everything we owned in my hatchback. Three years later we drove back East in a 19-foot moving van towing our sedan. Six years after that, the moving van to San Francisco was company-sponsored and included vehicle transportation for both cars. It was getting harder and harder to move. The boxes were piled in corners on the floors of semi-empty rooms but I felt them in my chest. So much stuff! The least I could do was liberate us from one machine that hadn’t been ridden for more than a decade. 

The black Cannondale from that shed was the first bike I bought for myself, and the only one I ever built out. My friend Aaron was the brains of the Cannondale build project during our junior year of high school. I balanced the shiny, black frame on my index finger as I lifted it out of the box and passed it to him. His eyes were wide behind his glasses. “Wow!” he said as he grasped it. He then helped migrate the components from the old bike I had destroyed during the prior summer when I worked as a river guide in California. He explained how the adjustments worked for each component. 

Through that long, intense weekend I learned most of what I now know about bicycle maintenance and repair. There’s no risk I’ll put my local shop techs out of business, but the knowledge has served me well. More importantly, that weekend was the first time I realized that I had peers wise enough to be my teachers and mentors. Not long after we graduated from high school, I lost touch with Aaron. I didn’t know that he had fallen into severe schizophrenia until a friend called to invite me to his memorial service. He had taken his own life.

The Cannondale was my transportation for two more seasons of river guiding in California. It came with me to college and patiently waited for the rare occasion when I really needed to get out. It opened the passes of Colorado for my first experience bike camping and was under me when I finally learned the ecstasy of carving hairpin corners. In Portland it was my commuter vehicle for the assorted temp jobs I used to pay my share of our rent for our first apartment. What kind of asshole throws away something like that? 

For the rest of that moving afternoon I tried not to look out the window at the remains thrown against the trash bins on the curb. In the struggle between nostalgia and claustrophobia, claustrophobia won. I needed to lighten up, to grow up and let go of things no longer useful. Moving to Vermont was going to be my chance to spend even more time out on trails with my new mountain bike. A different mountain bike, Old Red, would be converted to use as my family bike. I planned to trade the studded tires for road slicks that I could use to ride with the kids on dirt roads and would also work for the occasional trip on pavement. When I did make the mistake of looking out the window, I reasoned that road riding was no longer a priority. Adapting Old Red was a more responsible use of family resources. 

Dad still has almost every bike he has ever owned. This includes several generations of road, mountain and gravel wheels along with a few oddballs. Even when well organized and hung from ceiling hooks, they occupy the better part of a barn basement. He has good taste. They are all beautiful machines that he keeps in good condition and loans out to visitors like me. What would make it into his moving van? 

Mom never acquired as many bikes and has none of them; not even the wheels that she used on her solo trip across the U.S. I fancy myself more like Mom. As I write this, I am almost a decade into that phase of my life I call “Two suitcases and a bike box.” Oh yeah, I am a bad-ass digital nomad who has lived in five cities and three countries over the last 10 years. When I go to visit my Dad I am careful to not make eye contact with the six bikes I have left in another section of his barn over the years. Instead, I opt for the sweet cyclocross unit he no longer rides and keeps tuned for my visits. 

Of course, it was Dad who observed the reality of my Vermont riding after we moved the family. My single-track aspirations had been shattered across multiple mishaps that ranged from minor to physical-therapy-required, and I was surprised by how much joy I found back on Vermont pavement. Old Red had logged longer rides and more miles than planned. 

We had one of our occasional, mid-week lunches in downtown Montpelier, and sat beside the large window of our favorite café with our view framed by towering snow piles on the sidewalk outside. The heavy snows at the end of March added extra urgency to talking about the upcoming season. Spring only begrudgingly wanders into Vermont when summoned by the collective desperation of its populace. Every shared cup of coffee, cash register conversation, or grocery aisle encounter becomes its own dark rite of spring –– pallid faces hunched forward chant the latest forecasts in unison. We leave seed catalogues open beside the toilets, stage bags of bulbs on coffee tables, and scatter limp seedlings among the sunniest window sills as if they might prevent the next blizzard. 

Dad paused with his spoon above the soup, “You should take the Serrotta,” he said. I knew Dad’s penchant for sexy rides, and I knew the exact machine he was referring to. It was a hand-crafted, steel-frame beauty –– the kind of graceful engineering that traditionalists point to when arguing against the harshness of aluminum or fragility of carbon. Painted in a deep purple with yellow lettering and matching bar tape, it advertised a degree of cycling competence that I could never live up to. 

“You’re not using it at all?” I was looking for an out. 

“Not since I got the Orbea.” He returned to his soup. There was excessive patience in the gesture. This was an ambush.

“Won’t one of the boys want it?” I inquired about my younger half-brothers, who were all strong riders. 

“Bah,” he scoffed, “They think road riding is for pussies.” 

I felt the claustrophobia. Old Red was doing just fine on the roads. 

Dad seemed to have finished with his soup and was now looking at me. I reached for my sandwich and ran through the list of first year Vermont sporting expenses: ski equipment for Daysi, downhill and cross-country ski rentals for the girls, winter clothing, ski tickets. And we knew that Sofi was now ready for her own bike. “Thanks Dad, but I don’t even have road shoes anymore.”  

He was ready for that one. “Why don’t we stop by the shop after lunch? I think you have a birthday in a couple of weeks. Right?” 

The Serrotta was more flash than I felt comfortable with. He knew it, and he knew I had burned through my short list of excuses. He also knew I was likely to put his old wheels to good use. 

And as I moved across the rollers past Plainfield, I made no effort to suppress my grin. Light, tight, precise –– the movement of this machine was already wired directly into my brain. I had seen the sleek carbon-fiber beauty, all orange and black, that now held the place of honor in his barn, but I couldn’t imagine anything better than this steel-tubed classic. Then I took the sharp left in Marshfield.

I assessed the angle of the rise ahead, wrapped my hands around the brake mounts and started to shift. Click. Click –– the reassuring rattle of a chain sliding through derailleurs. I paused for two pedal strokes to let the chain settle. Click. Click. Pause. Click; the lever was stuck. I tried again. And again. Derailleur problems already? Dad was meticulous about the maintenance of his rides. I had started the steep part of the climb but still risked a glance back through my right armpit to check on the rear cluster. Fuck! Nothing wrong at all. The shifters had done their job. Now it was my turn. I rose out of the saddle, focused my eyes 8 feet in front of the bike and reached deep. So this was how it was going to be!

New Bike Syndrome is a common affliction among riders, especially those who, in Grampa’s parlance, “have more money than sense.” Dad had reached that point in life when there ought not be shame indulging in some fine new wheels, though I don’t recall him ever inviting Grampa out to the barn. The Marshfield hill demonstrated that the Serrotta was a racer’s bike. Big chain rings up front and a tiny cluster in back created a drive train meant for speed –– and the arrogance of young legs. I now saw his sexy new carbon-fiber, Orbea in a different light––beneath the glitter, I am sure he had a more forgiving drive train. I had spent the last 10 years on Old Red with three chain rings on the front and six plates in the back. It was built for rough trails and steep climbs. Was there yet enough arrogance in my quads to push the Serrotta through the Vermont hills? 

I took a few breaks on that first trip over the ridge into Calais, but even on the dirt roads I found pleasure in how the Serrotta handled a climb. Every bit of strength went directly into power. I enjoyed the challenge of finding traction through the corners where gravel accumulated and washboard formed. Back on Route 14, I rose out of the saddle for the biggest descent of the ride. Long beyond the max velocity of Old Red, I kept pouring power into the rear wheel. I tucked low over the yellow handle bars, tightened the gears and upped the cadence until all resistance vanished. At these speeds I wasn’t shy about taking my section out of the middle of a lane. Body and frame fused into a single unit –– I didn’t slow anyone down. 

To think that I was ready to turn the page on that chapter of my riding life. Really!? I give thanks to those who know me better than I know myself, and to those willing to accumulate baggage I am unwilling to bear. Is it wrong to wonder when Dad’s next purchase might push that Orbea into my garage?

About New Bike Syndrome

It is a well established fact that a new bike will cure all afflictions, especially useful in the treatment of ague, melancholy, bad humours of the blood and troubled relationships. The treatment is a bit more expensive than the venerable practice of bloodletting but with less mess and similar efficacy.

buy me a coffee

When I was a child, my family did a lot of riding. My grandfather led us on extended rides through the Vermont countryside, I rode weekly with one or both of my parents, and we did several multi-day trips. In the wake of my parent’s divorce when I was 12, our riding lives spun in separate directions. Grampa continued to log 3000 mile summers, Mom eventually soloed across the U.S, while cycling faded in and out of my life. 

By January of 1999 we had not ridden together in more than 15 years. Grandpa, now 83, was still riding across the Vermont hills, but Mom had settled on the coast of Maryland where the riding was so flat and boring that she had taken up roller blading. My wife and I were about to celebrate our eighth anniversary. She was not (yet) a rider. I was about to turn 31, our second daughter was 6 months old, and our first had just turned six. Getting the whole family together was a special event reserved for the holidays, but Mom had the idea to push for something more. She learned that the legendary Blue Ridge Parkway was only a few hours drive from her house. She hatched a plan to do a three-day ride with me and Grampa. I suggested that we include Ariel, my oldest daughter. The idea was not as abusive as it sounds. 

After a hiatus of several years, riding was returning to my life. As my wife and I worked out the rhythms of parenthood I staked out the early morning as my selfish time. If I could sneak out of the house without waking anyone up, I was free to go. As happens to many riders, I soon learned the other benefits of those early mornings: almost no traffic, cool temperatures, and no sun screen needed. On the days when I got out, I arrived at the office with my skin tingling and a head so full of beauty and bird song that it was hard to see the beige fabric of my cubicle.

Private indulgence, however, can only live on the margins of a combined enterprise like marriage. If I wanted to ride more, I had to find a way to include, at least, our oldest daughter. I settled on a trail-a-bike as the best option but still had a number of issues to work through:

Absurd parental anxiety: My child falls asleep and falls into traffic. 

Reasonable concern: She does something to throw off my balance and we would both end up in traffic. “No wiggling!” was a frequent command, and sometimes “Steady” as we went down a hill. I learned to grab the top tube between my knees when I took my butt off the seat for descents. 

Most likely outcome: She gets bored and hates cycling for the rest of her life. Ariel was a relatively quiet child but 5-year-olds are pretty chatty by nature. We babbled on about whatever came to mind, and stopped regularly to look at ducks, flowers, or strange tree trunks. My time on the back of Dad’s tandem meant that I understood the need to let her know about turns and potholes. 

By the time Mom proposed the trip, Ariel and I had worked out a reasonable partnership. I talked more than I was used to and stopped more frequently, but I had confidence in her balance and sometimes even felt her contribution to the power equation. “Go little leggies,” was another regular command.  I would get a small power bump and a whole lot of wiggling. I wasn’t certain that the young Ariel was ready to spend all day on a bicycle, but I didn’t have any evidence to the contrary either. The plan was for three days of riding in the style of our old family trips––we would cycle light and take turns shuttling the car. This approach gave us a back up plan in case she burned out, and I sometimes had on our family adventures. 

Cyclists know that the “scenic” label on a highway carries a price paid in elevation. The 50+ miles we planned to cover on the first day included getting up on to the ridge so we assumed, correctly, that there would be a lot of climbing, but we had planned the miles as an all-day project. Of the four of us, Grampa was, predictably, the best prepared. He had been out on those Vermont roads every dry day he could find. While Mom was active, there was no climb of any note within 100 miles of her, and I was in a phase of life where I measured movement time in minutes not days. 

Our first big surprise was the abundance and variety of the butterflies. They gathered in scintillating clouds, and in places they littered the road, killed or injured by cars. We used Ariel’s plastic colored pencil box to store the most interesting specimens in my bike bag and stopped anytime we saw something new. This was much appreciated entertainment for the 6 year-old child spinning away behind me. Unfortunately, she missed the black bear cubs and mom that crossed the road some 300 feet in front of us. I was happy to stop and give mamma bear some time to move deeper into the woods. 

Our second surprise was to find expansive views in such dense forests. It was only the combination of wide shoulders and elevation that let us look out over the rolling hardwood forests. The trade off was constant exposure to the sun. Fortunately, Mom had the good sense to get us on the road before the summer heat arrived and we knew to keep our sunscreen refreshed.

The “scenic” designation was appropriate foreshadowing. The climbs were unrelenting grinds but rarely steep. Grampa was often beside us as we crawled forward. “How are you doing back there young lady?” he boomed at Ariel. 

“Great!” her voice, high and thin, was full of the boundless enthusiasm that only a child can capture. I knew that same energy could also collapse inward if boredom or fatigue penetrated too deeply. I tried to hold the little leggies in reserve. 

In the distance, above us, we would see one of the fire towers. “Look at that Tad. You don’t suppose we’re going up there do you?” Grampa was only slightly less enthusiastic than the child behind me. 

Inevitably, it was exactly where we were going. We’d get there, coast down a dip in the ridge and head on towards the next one. 

Sometimes the road became steep enough for me to declare a No Talking Zone. It was part of the protocol I had worked out with, or rather imposed on, Ariel. It is the nature of a six-year-old to expect instant response from a parent and it is the right of a parent to seek refuge in silence when each breath is a full body experience and said parent is convinced that the constant stream of chatter behind him is clear evidence that the little shit isn’t pedaling hard enough. I had learned that it was best to announce a moratorium on voices. 

Grandpa, however, was not intimidated by my repressive policies. He was especially fond of monitoring his beloved odometer and calling out our speed on the climbs. “Six miles an hour,” he’d announce triumphantly as I gasped “Go little leggies!”. A few minutes later “Four miles per hour,” and then “Five,” as the grade eased up a touch. There was a mischievous sparkle in his voice as he broadcast each indicator of how hard we were struggling. The announcements were usually enough for Mom to chime in “Really Daddy. Not helpful.” He would have laughed if we weren’t already sucking wind.

And on we went through the day. Slow and steady, we progressed through profound beauty and deep peace. All pleasant bike memories seem to come bundled with the sensation of having the roads to ourselves, though I know this couldn’t have been the case. The three adults were all experienced enough to know what the day was going to be. While neither Mom nor I were in the ideal condition for this kind of ride, we had enough strength and enough mental discipline that neither pain nor frustration clouded the day. For Ariel’s part, if she got bored, she kept it to herself. Somehow the little leggies continued to make their contribution. Somewhere around mile 25, Mom turned back to get the car. Grampa, Ariel and I continued on. 

The tunnel caught us towards the beginning of yet another climb. It was short enough for me to see through but still long enough to put us in twilight. Almost a decade earlier I had spent a summer in Grand Junction and regularly rode through the tunnel on the road into The National Monument. I had been shocked by how the darkness threw me off balance. It took me weeks to adjust. As we approached the tunnel, those lessons from The Monument flooded into my limbic system. I steadied my breathing, kept my eyes on the far end, accelerated my cadence and called back, “Steady hijita”. We made it through with only a wobble. “Woo Hoo!” I thought. 

Behind me, I heard Grampa call out as he fell. I dropped the bike at the edge of the road. “Wait here”, I shouted at Ariel, and ran back into the tunnel. At 6’ 4”, Grampa had a long way to go down. He managed to break the momentum of the fall by catching part of the tunnel wall. He escaped with only a scrape on his elbow. I got his bike out of the road and helped him to get up. On the other side of the tunnel we regrouped. As is the wont of every recovering cyclist, he insisted that he was okay. The evidence suggested he was right, but he was also spooked and the fatigue of the day came down hard. 

I don’t remember the details of where Mom met us with the car but it was somewhere close to this point. With roughly 35 miles behind us, most of it up, we decided it was best to let Grampa and Ariel call it a day. They drove ahead to meet us at the lodge. Mom and I had another 15-20 miles to grind out, but with just the two of us we were able to pick up the pace a little bit. 

Only in writing this have I come to realize that this was the first time I had ridden with her in almost 20 years. The last time I had been the child, and now I was, a parent trying to do a reasonable impression of an adult. That I needed to work through five drafts before remembering speaks to the magic of riding. Between us we had racked up a couple of marriages, assorted flavors of recovery, 15 relocations, and a couple of careers. On the bikes, that was all just background––some other color beyond the dappled light through trees and deeper music behind the exuberant birds and rustling leaves. If we talked at all, and I am not sure that we did, it was about hills, gears, sore hands, aching asses, Grampa, Ariel, and butterflies. 

This section of the road was deeper. The shoulders were smaller and the trees closer. The woods on those ridges were just a touch denser and even more lush than our Vermont forests. The trees were a bit bigger, more mature, and just a little more imposing. Perhaps it was just a trick of the lengthening afternoon light. Still the dense, deciduous abundance was familiar and comforting. The last time we had ridden together it had almost certainly been on this kind of sinuous, shady road. 

We limped into the lodge spent but not to the point of complete exhaustion. We both knew that tomorrow would be a painful start. 

The showers were hot, sheets clean, beds firm, and the food would have been unremarkable if not for the spice of that unique, post-ride hunger. As our meal wound to a close, Grampa got quieter. He curled forward, head down, right elbow on the table, and hand on the top of his head. Mom was the first to react, “What is it Daddy?” He didn’t look up. With a surprisingly quiet voice he told us that he was giving up cycling. His shoulders shook. His grief embraced us all. We struggled to find a few words of comfort but mostly we sat in silence. Witnesses – each wrapped in our own profound loss. Ariel felt the gravity of the moment and cried along with us. 

His fear ran deeper than the spook of the day. He had been feeling unsteady on the bike for quite some time. I had noticed that for each of our many breaks during the day, he chose his stopping places carefully and spent time setting up the angle of this bike to get started, but the observation had remained an odd detail I hadn’t bothered to ask about. The lack of balance, not strength, pushed him to quite 

I heard little else that night over the recriminations raging in my head. All I had to do was stop! – get off the bike and walk all of us through. Grampa had never cycled through a tunnel before. He had no idea how disorienting the darkness could be. Without any other experience for comparison he attributed the fall entirely to his own balance and old age. Had I just stopped him there, he may well have ridden for another year or two. Of my short list of regrets in life this one sits awfully close to the top. 

In part, our silence that hard night was driven by the hope that his fear was a passing shadow. I looked forward to hearing that he had decided to try one more time – that the lure of Route 2 into Middlesex would prove to be more than he could resist. It was not to be. He donated his bike to the Montpelier share-a-bike program –– a gesture consistent with his faith in community and desire to inspire others. Only now it occurs to me that he did this precisely because the roads continued to call. Better to make a clean break. Better to remove any shred of decision or trace of will. Better not to confront the pain of the loss every time he walked into the garage. Though all the community bikes were painted the same shade of mauve, the massive 42” frame was distinctive. We saw it around town for a couple of years before it finally disappeared. 

Since the first instant I committed to this memoir project I have dreaded writing about this trip. At the same time, that ride is among my most treasured memories. Four generations together on a glorious early summer day, not out for some loop around the neighborhood, but logging serious miles on the Blue Ridge Highway. What greater promise could I possibly imagine?

For those who might be wondering about this towering man, or those who might wish for easy narratives, know that this was far from the end. A few years later, our small family would settle in Montpelier. It was one of the rites of Spring that Grampa and I would borrow my Dad’s manure trailer and make a run to the dairy farm of a friend to get manure for our gardens. Every year, his already large garden miraculously grew by just a few more inches. (“Don’t tell your grandmother. It’s just one more row”). In the depths of winter Ariel, then 14 years-old would emerge from high school to find her great grandparents slipping on their cross country skis for a loop around the track maintained for the ski team.

buy me a coffee

I am here

to celebrate the gifts that cycling has given me. 

While I have received plenty of feedback that I am ‘good with people’, it flows more from fear than grace. Tightly wound and finely tuned to a group’s expectations, I perform accordingly. I am among the awkward majority never fully comfortable in my own body. Fat kid, chubby guy for whom clothes never seem cut quite right. These are costumes donned for the benefit of others – that I may cause as small a ripple as possible. They are wrappings that occlude, but never bury, the shame of being unfit for manhood. 

People are surprised to come across me in the places I most like to go. Perhaps that is not fair. More likely, it is I who am surprised by what I have done. No matter what flavor of bad-assery I enjoy, I am uneasy when branded with the mark of competence. I prefer surprise. It has made me queasy, in the later years of my middle age to confess the title of “Athlete”. Even within the chambers of my own head, it vibrates with the plaintive bravado of a self-help chant. It is hubris run amuck. I become Usurper – Napoleon placing the crown upon his head. 

It is sweat that has saved me from imploding into my own vast introspection. I am an intermediate practitioner of endurance sports – enough to do things that less than 1% of the world has ever done, insufficient to rank among them. Their company is enough. Dusty, muddy, wet, hot, cold – Out, exposed, three dimensional, and, with shocking frequency, in the company of others, I am compelled to bear witness to the gritty beauty of the outdoors. 

Movement is my secret handshake with the world – proof that I belong in it. It binds to the landscape, forges profound connections with people, and continually reshapes my relationship with myself. Cycling, in particular, has evolved to become more than an activity. I have come to embrace it as an additional set of senses – every bit as rich as smell or taste. Decidedly tactile, intimate, and sensuous, it has become as much an organ as my skin will ever be. 

buy me a coffee

Children understand that they are the lost princess, that the aliens will come back for them, and that their magic will be revealed on some dark and stormy night. I am no more willing to relinquish these dreams than the next guy – the simmering of potential just beyond my grasp is a fact of my life. It would be convenient for me to blame the impossibility of fully realizing myself on the ignorance of the rest of the world. Cycling taught me otherwise. 

What an incredible gift I had been given – to do what I should not have been able to do. Back to back century rides at 11 years old – extraordinary. Learning to think of 25 miles as a casual outing for a 10 year old! There were no prizes, no medals nor Recognition. It was just done –a bit unexpectedly, perhaps, and not without effort, but we were not Hillary aiming for Everest. None of us had any pretention of elite athleticism. This was the normal state of affairs. Everyone around me did these things, not because it made them stand out or above, but rather for the joy of doing. What’s more, the simplicity of this common enterprise became the foundation of our union. The true gift was to behold the ordinariness of these extraordinary things. 

I came into adolescence knowing that super powers exist. It is wrong to expect that others will understand them, and unwise to name them. In doing so they become mere powers. Magic and joy fade as they become just another cog in the engines of status that grind us against one another. Better to whisper. Better to write the secret letter in invisible ink. Better to mumble the sacred prayer under your breath…and find the surprise under your pillow in the morning. 

I live with the enduring fear that once I tell someone about Narnia, I will no longer be able to find the door. 

buy me a coffee