I am here
to celebrate the gifts that cycling has given me.
While I have received plenty of feedback that I am ‘good with people’, it flows more from fear than grace. Tightly wound and finely tuned to a group’s expectations, I perform accordingly. I am among the awkward majority never fully comfortable in my own body. Fat kid, chubby guy for whom clothes never seem cut quite right. These are costumes donned for the benefit of others – that I may cause as small a ripple as possible. They are wrappings that occlude, but never bury, the shame of being unfit for manhood.
People are surprised to come across me in the places I most like to go. Perhaps that is not fair. More likely, it is I who am surprised by what I have done. No matter what flavor of bad-assery I enjoy, I am uneasy when branded with the mark of competence. I prefer surprise. It has made me queasy, in the later years of my middle age to confess the title of “Athlete”. Even within the chambers of my own head, it vibrates with the plaintive bravado of a self-help chant. It is hubris run amuck. I become Usurper – Napoleon placing the crown upon his head.
It is sweat that has saved me from imploding into my own vast introspection. I am an intermediate practitioner of endurance sports – enough to do things that less than 1% of the world has ever done, insufficient to rank among them. Their company is enough. Dusty, muddy, wet, hot, cold – Out, exposed, three dimensional, and, with shocking frequency, in the company of others, I am compelled to bear witness to the gritty beauty of the outdoors.
Movement is my secret handshake with the world – proof that I belong in it. It binds to the landscape, forges profound connections with people, and continually reshapes my relationship with myself. Cycling, in particular, has evolved to become more than an activity. I have come to embrace it as an additional set of senses – every bit as rich as smell or taste. Decidedly tactile, intimate, and sensuous, it has become as much an organ as my skin will ever be.
buy me a coffee
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